We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just . . . → Click Here To Read More: Keith’s 40th]]> Today is Keith’s 40^th birthday.  He starts a new generation today.  The last generation has had some of the biggest bumps and bruises he’s had in his life.  Those bumps and bruises have slowly been healing but they will never go away.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just have to keep moving along the path.  What lies ahead is uncertain but in the end it will all be ok and be the way it’s supposed to be.

So I say again, “It is what it is.”

Today ended up starting as a good day.  I felt good about it.  I went to work like I normally do.  I was putting away my freight and I had these Justin Bieber backpacks I was putting out.  As I am putting them out I start to think of my dearest friend Shelly’s daughter Lexi.  Shelly tells me how much Lexi loves Justin Bieber.

Then I got to thinking about how Mari would be the same age as Lexi.  Not that Mari would have ever gotten into Just Bieber or anything.  It’s just the thought that Lexi is . . . → Click Here To Read More: Justin Bieber]]> December 22

Today ended up starting as a good day.  I felt good about it.  I went to work like I normally do.  I was putting away my freight and I had these Justin Bieber backpacks I was putting out.  As I am putting them out I start to think of my dearest friend Shelly’s daughter Lexi.  Shelly tells me how much Lexi loves Justin Bieber.

Then I got to thinking about how Mari would be the same age as Lexi.  Not that Mari would have ever gotten into Just Bieber or anything.  It’s just the thought that Lexi is continuing to get older and Mari is frozen in time at 8 years old.  I will never get to see her grow up.

Then I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes.  Once I realized I was not going to be able to stop the onslaught of tears that were on their way, I asked where my Assistant Manager Debbie was at over the walkie.  She said she was in the backroom.  I head there to find her and the flood gates spilled open.  I told her what was wrong and we headed to the assistant manager’s office.

I sat there just crying and talking about how hard it is right now with Mari’s 11^th birthday coming up.  I talked about how much I missed her.  How when she was alive that there were times she could just make you laugh and other times you could not stand her.  I just said I would give anything to have her back.

Debbie was awesome with just listening.  It was something I really needed.  Thank you Debbie.

This day has always brought about special memories for us. Howeve now it just brings sadness and tears to my eyes.

Today Mari would have turned 11.

I was getting so frustrated with drivers and yelling at them over stupid stuff. Then the tears just started to come down. I had to pull over with the ache that is there in my heart.

I miss you . . . → Click Here To Read More: Driving…]]> I sit here in our car driving. Today is December 29th. For most people it is just an average day. For some it even brings the special privilege of being their birthday.

This day has always brought about special memories for us. Howeve now it just brings sadness and tears to my eyes.

Today Mari would have turned 11.

I was getting so frustrated with drivers and yelling at them over stupid stuff. Then the tears just started to come down. I had to pull over with the ache that is there in my heart.

I miss you so much baby girl. I have a whole in my heart that once held you here while you were here with us on this earth.

This year seems to be harder than the last two. The only hope I can hold to is that someday in the future it will just not be as hard.

************

I should be giving her birthday presents instead of bringing her flowers to her grave.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and . . . → Click Here To Read More: 6 months have come and gone]]> It is hard to believe that as I sit here typing this that 6 months have gone by since Mariana passed away.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and she was acclimating quite well.

We were all just so happy but did not even realize just how truly happy we were back then. I mean, we used to complain about what seems so small now. About how cold it is. About how hard Mari was being. About Keith’s long hours (I mean don’t get me wrong, his hours are still ridiculously long, but that is another story ). Life in general, looking back, seems to have been so much simpler while at the very same time being harder in some ways.

Dealing with Mari was a day to day challenge sometimes. We can look back now and smile about all the things that used to drive us crazy when she did them. We can now look at them as things we so much miss and wish we could still have those issues back because ultimately it would mean that she is still here.

My life, the one that I have now, has become so much easier; so much simpler. But to have Mari back, I would take complicated and hard any day of the week. I would take all of those trials and tribulations that Mari gave us. I would just take it all back to have her here right now.

For our first year without Mari, Keith and I still have another 6 months to go. In the next 6 months Keith will have his first birthday without Mari since having her, we will have Valentine’s day without her, Our 15 year anniversary, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter (which every year, just like Christmas, I went shopping for that special Easter dress just for her), My first Mother’s day without her, Keith’s first Father’s day without her, and the 4th of July (which will probably be one of the hardest because last year’s 4th of July was spent in the hospital with her when we had no clue what was ahead of us at that point). Those are the holidays up ahead. Some may not seem that significant compared to others but none the less they are still all of our first holidays without Mari.

I dread any holiday coming because it is just one more reminder that Mari is no longer here with us. Her smile, her laughter, you can hear her and she just makes you smile. She brings excitement into your life while at the same time brings you to utter frustration. Ultimately, I can say, she was half of my everything. Keith is my other half. My everything will be put back together someday when we all meet up in heaven together again someday. We miss you MarMar and will see you again someday soon.