I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, it will . . . → Click Here To Read More: The Tears of Mother’s Day]]> I sit here in my comfy cozy recliner at about 1am.  I sit here thinking about Mari and knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is Mother’s Day.  I have dreaded it all week.  All it does for me know is remind me that I am a mom without her child on this earth any longer.  I feel childless.

I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, it will never be the same for me.  It is just a constant reminder that while I am a mother I am one that remembers her child for who she was but now is in heaven.

I just feel like crying.  I have done pretty good so far with the tear and I have not had a sob fest in a while.  I think the last time I sobbingly cried was at the women’s retreat I went to in March.  I know when I cry it helps to temporarily release some of the sadness. 

After a good cry, I can quickly clean my face up and you can’t really tell I had been crying.  I guess I am fortunate that way as I know many women if they shed any tears at all their faces looks like they have for quite some time.  In a way I feel blessed I have it this way so that I can cry in private and once I am done not have everyone asking me if I am ok.

There is only one week (technically 6 days now) till our 17 year anniversary.  It’s hard to believe it is already that close.  Before you know it, you blink and it will be 20 years.  . . . → Click Here To Read More: He’s back…]]> Keith got home last night after being gone for the last week on a business trip.  I really missed him.  Our dogs really missed him too.  They like to act all goofy and nuts after he has been gone for any length of time.  To be honest, they drive us crazy, especially our female boxer.  Even though they drive you nuts you love them anyway.

There is only one week (technically 6 days now) till our 17 year anniversary.  It’s hard to believe it is already that close.  Before you know it, you blink and it will be 20 years.  To me that is even harder to believe.  It is just so long.  When we hit 20 years, I will have been married to my hubby for half my life.  I mean, think about that for a moment.  Almost half my life was my childhood and growing up.  Now the other half is married to my hubby.  Not too bad if you think about it.

When I start to put it into perspective of when I was growing up, I was starting my Junior year in high school right after I had turned 17 years old.  Just thinking about this puts a smile on my face.

It’s hard to believe he turned 40 today.  For almost half of our lives we have been together.  When you really start to think about it that is a very long time.  Over 95% of my . . . → Click Here To Read More: Going on Business]]> Keith leaves on another business trip tomorrow.  He will be back on Friday.  It’s not too bad.  He will leave again a week after he gets back on another one for another week.  He seems to usually go for about 2 weeks every month to different places all over the country.  I think he likes the scenery but is getting tired of the traveling.

It’s hard to believe he turned 40 today.  For almost half of our lives we have been together.  When you really start to think about it that is a very long time.  Over 95% of my adult life has been spent with Keith.  Think about that: 95%.  Not many people can say that.

What is even more amazing to me is our 17 year anniversary is coming up on February 18^th, less than 2 weeks away.  Through all the ups and down in our marriage, we will be celebrating 17 years.  Yet as I sit here and think about everything, I am also sad at how hard of a time we are having in our marriage right now.  We started marriage counseling with our pastor this past week.  I truly believe that he will be able to help us.

I know Keith and I do not want our marriage to end and that we do love each other.  I just want us to both be happy again.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just . . . → Click Here To Read More: Keith’s 40th]]> Today is Keith’s 40^th birthday.  He starts a new generation today.  The last generation has had some of the biggest bumps and bruises he’s had in his life.  Those bumps and bruises have slowly been healing but they will never go away.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just have to keep moving along the path.  What lies ahead is uncertain but in the end it will all be ok and be the way it’s supposed to be.

So I say again, “It is what it is.”

Today ended up starting as a good day.  I felt good about it.  I went to work like I normally do.  I was putting away my freight and I had these Justin Bieber backpacks I was putting out.  As I am putting them out I start to think of my dearest friend Shelly’s daughter Lexi.  Shelly tells me how much Lexi loves Justin Bieber.

Then I got to thinking about how Mari would be the same age as Lexi.  Not that Mari would have ever gotten into Just Bieber or anything.  It’s just the thought that Lexi is . . . → Click Here To Read More: Justin Bieber]]> December 22

Today ended up starting as a good day.  I felt good about it.  I went to work like I normally do.  I was putting away my freight and I had these Justin Bieber backpacks I was putting out.  As I am putting them out I start to think of my dearest friend Shelly’s daughter Lexi.  Shelly tells me how much Lexi loves Justin Bieber.

Then I got to thinking about how Mari would be the same age as Lexi.  Not that Mari would have ever gotten into Just Bieber or anything.  It’s just the thought that Lexi is continuing to get older and Mari is frozen in time at 8 years old.  I will never get to see her grow up.

Then I could feel the tears welling up in the back of my eyes.  Once I realized I was not going to be able to stop the onslaught of tears that were on their way, I asked where my Assistant Manager Debbie was at over the walkie.  She said she was in the backroom.  I head there to find her and the flood gates spilled open.  I told her what was wrong and we headed to the assistant manager’s office.

I sat there just crying and talking about how hard it is right now with Mari’s 11^th birthday coming up.  I talked about how much I missed her.  How when she was alive that there were times she could just make you laugh and other times you could not stand her.  I just said I would give anything to have her back.

Debbie was awesome with just listening.  It was something I really needed.  Thank you Debbie.

This day has always brought about special memories for us. Howeve now it just brings sadness and tears to my eyes.

Today Mari would have turned 11.

I was getting so frustrated with drivers and yelling at them over stupid stuff. Then the tears just started to come down. I had to pull over with the ache that is there in my heart.

I miss you . . . → Click Here To Read More: Driving…]]> I sit here in our car driving. Today is December 29th. For most people it is just an average day. For some it even brings the special privilege of being their birthday.

This day has always brought about special memories for us. Howeve now it just brings sadness and tears to my eyes.

Today Mari would have turned 11.

I was getting so frustrated with drivers and yelling at them over stupid stuff. Then the tears just started to come down. I had to pull over with the ache that is there in my heart.

I miss you so much baby girl. I have a whole in my heart that once held you here while you were here with us on this earth.

This year seems to be harder than the last two. The only hope I can hold to is that someday in the future it will just not be as hard.

************

I should be giving her birthday presents instead of bringing her flowers to her grave.

Well, last night did not start off as a good night once we got upstairs and settling down for the night.  As it was, I was . . . → Click Here To Read More: When life throws you a curve ball (man, all I wanted was a fast one :) )]]> All I can say is, “Boy what a night last night.”  Keith and I typically go to bed, what might seem for most people, rather late.  It seems like if we are starting to get ready for bed by 11 o’clock or midnight that it is an early night for us.  We both are such night owls as we usually are going to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning and sometimes even later.

Well, last night did not start off as a good night once we got upstairs and settling down for the night.  As it was, I was very tired.  It’s around 1am and by that point the littlest thing seems to be irritating to me.  For example, my husband setting the alarm for the time he did (we’ll leave that for another story :p).   It’s all jumbled up together now.  It was stuff that just seems stupid now (aren’t most fights this way after all :) ).

Ultimately, the conversation ended up on Mari.  It has been several months (at least 3 or 4) since we have had a real conversation about MarMar.  We just hardly talk about her anymore.  I guess that is what happens in life when you don’t have that person around you everyday like you used to.  It’s not that you forget about her, as I am sure you can imagine we don’t.  It’s just they are not here to talk about.

I ended up going down the road of talking about how I felt like I was a bad mom.  Mari’s autism was so severe and hard to deal with sometimes.  People always thought I had such great patience when they saw me with her.  I always felt my patience was on its last legs.  It was always running thin and towards the end of her life in those last couple of years it just seemed to be growing thinner and thinner.

There were times when she would do things like writing on the walls or pulling down her pants to go potty right in her bedroom instead of letting me know she needed to go to the bathroom so she could use the toilet.  In these moments, I would just needed a break like counting to ten or even just putting her in her room for a little while so I could calm down.  Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even did it.

It is hard for me to admit this but I feel sometimes like I have so much regret.  I don’t like to tell people this because immediately they will say to me that I have nothing to regret.  I was a good mom and things like that.  However, I feel like such a selfish person sometimes as all I wanted when she was alive is to have my own time ALONE without her.  I still remember the day they called me from her school asking Keith and I to come and pick her up as she had diarrhea.  All I know is I wanted that time for me and I did not want her home yet.  4^th of July weekend was coming that weekend and so she was going to be home for the next four days.  I just wanted that “me time”.  But as parents, are you supposed to have that “me time” anymore?  Isn’t it all supposed to be about your children until they can be on their own?  And in my case, Mari was never going to be on her own with her autism the way it was.

Well, guess what happens: she gets sick and dies.  I know technically that it is not my fault she is gone.  However, I feel like I brought this upon myself for ever thinking this way to begin with.  You might be thinking, “Well every parent has their moments of wanting alone time.”  I know that logically it is not really my fault but it doesn’t stop those guilty thoughts that keep creeping into my mind.  I guess the bottom line is I miss her so much.

As I sat there talking to Keith I realized that now it was the 16^th.  We are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years.  Can you believe it’s already been two years?  It dumbfounds me.  Unfortunately for me, it always seems like around this time every month I always seems to have a hard time.  In the last couple of months everything has been ok for the most part.  However, this month is different.  For one, I have been sitting here really working hard on this site and getting it better organized.  In doing this I am rereading all my writing.  It is bringing up a lot of how I have been feeling over the last couple of years and rebringing those feelings to the surface. 

As I said a moment agao, we are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years.  Our lives have had to continue on.  Keith and I both feel guilty for being happy with the fact at how much easier our lives are now that Mari is not here.  You have to be a parent of a severely autistic child and then to have that child pass away to truly understand where we are coming from.  We talked about it again last night how if she were still alive that she probably would have been institutionalized by now.  Keith said that it still kills him to even think about it now but we both know that she was becoming a hazard to herself and her safety was our main concern.

Unfortunately, life likes to throw you a curve ball when all you want is fast one to be thrown straight at you so you can better control the direction your life is heading.  So much for what we want as life is filled with many curve balls that we would like to avoid all together.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and . . . → Click Here To Read More: 6 months have come and gone]]> It is hard to believe that as I sit here typing this that 6 months have gone by since Mariana passed away.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and she was acclimating quite well.

We were all just so happy but did not even realize just how truly happy we were back then. I mean, we used to complain about what seems so small now. About how cold it is. About how hard Mari was being. About Keith’s long hours (I mean don’t get me wrong, his hours are still ridiculously long, but that is another story ). Life in general, looking back, seems to have been so much simpler while at the very same time being harder in some ways.

Dealing with Mari was a day to day challenge sometimes. We can look back now and smile about all the things that used to drive us crazy when she did them. We can now look at them as things we so much miss and wish we could still have those issues back because ultimately it would mean that she is still here.

My life, the one that I have now, has become so much easier; so much simpler. But to have Mari back, I would take complicated and hard any day of the week. I would take all of those trials and tribulations that Mari gave us. I would just take it all back to have her here right now.

For our first year without Mari, Keith and I still have another 6 months to go. In the next 6 months Keith will have his first birthday without Mari since having her, we will have Valentine’s day without her, Our 15 year anniversary, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter (which every year, just like Christmas, I went shopping for that special Easter dress just for her), My first Mother’s day without her, Keith’s first Father’s day without her, and the 4th of July (which will probably be one of the hardest because last year’s 4th of July was spent in the hospital with her when we had no clue what was ahead of us at that point). Those are the holidays up ahead. Some may not seem that significant compared to others but none the less they are still all of our first holidays without Mari.

I dread any holiday coming because it is just one more reminder that Mari is no longer here with us. Her smile, her laughter, you can hear her and she just makes you smile. She brings excitement into your life while at the same time brings you to utter frustration. Ultimately, I can say, she was half of my everything. Keith is my other half. My everything will be put back together someday when we all meet up in heaven together again someday. We miss you MarMar and will see you again someday soon.