I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, it will . . . → Click Here To Read More: The Tears of Mother’s Day]]> I sit here in my comfy cozy recliner at about 1am.  I sit here thinking about Mari and knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is Mother’s Day.  I have dreaded it all week.  All it does for me know is remind me that I am a mom without her child on this earth any longer.  I feel childless.

I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, it will never be the same for me.  It is just a constant reminder that while I am a mother I am one that remembers her child for who she was but now is in heaven.

I just feel like crying.  I have done pretty good so far with the tear and I have not had a sob fest in a while.  I think the last time I sobbingly cried was at the women’s retreat I went to in March.  I know when I cry it helps to temporarily release some of the sadness. 

After a good cry, I can quickly clean my face up and you can’t really tell I had been crying.  I guess I am fortunate that way as I know many women if they shed any tears at all their faces looks like they have for quite some time.  In a way I feel blessed I have it this way so that I can cry in private and once I am done not have everyone asking me if I am ok.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and . . . → Click Here To Read More: 6 months have come and gone]]> It is hard to believe that as I sit here typing this that 6 months have gone by since Mariana passed away.

Sometimes I just sit here and wonder how this could be. I mean a year ago at this time we had just moved into our new home. Keith had finally gotten his orders for the Oak Lawn recruiting station to become a station commander there. We were getting ready to have both Keith’s and Mari’s 8th birthday party together here in the next couple of weeks. She was in her new school and she was acclimating quite well.

We were all just so happy but did not even realize just how truly happy we were back then. I mean, we used to complain about what seems so small now. About how cold it is. About how hard Mari was being. About Keith’s long hours (I mean don’t get me wrong, his hours are still ridiculously long, but that is another story ). Life in general, looking back, seems to have been so much simpler while at the very same time being harder in some ways.

Dealing with Mari was a day to day challenge sometimes. We can look back now and smile about all the things that used to drive us crazy when she did them. We can now look at them as things we so much miss and wish we could still have those issues back because ultimately it would mean that she is still here.

My life, the one that I have now, has become so much easier; so much simpler. But to have Mari back, I would take complicated and hard any day of the week. I would take all of those trials and tribulations that Mari gave us. I would just take it all back to have her here right now.

For our first year without Mari, Keith and I still have another 6 months to go. In the next 6 months Keith will have his first birthday without Mari since having her, we will have Valentine’s day without her, Our 15 year anniversary, St. Patrick’s Day, Easter (which every year, just like Christmas, I went shopping for that special Easter dress just for her), My first Mother’s day without her, Keith’s first Father’s day without her, and the 4th of July (which will probably be one of the hardest because last year’s 4th of July was spent in the hospital with her when we had no clue what was ahead of us at that point). Those are the holidays up ahead. Some may not seem that significant compared to others but none the less they are still all of our first holidays without Mari.

I dread any holiday coming because it is just one more reminder that Mari is no longer here with us. Her smile, her laughter, you can hear her and she just makes you smile. She brings excitement into your life while at the same time brings you to utter frustration. Ultimately, I can say, she was half of my everything. Keith is my other half. My everything will be put back together someday when we all meet up in heaven together again someday. We miss you MarMar and will see you again someday soon.