I want to start off by telling everyone I am still here even though I have not written a little while.  I have started a new job and trying to do some other things.

I know many of you know I have been writing a book about Mari’s life and the grief journey that followed.  The book is done.  However, here is where the problem lies.  I have found an editor that I believe will be perfect for this book.  Unfortunately, the price is quite high for me to pay her.  I need to raise about $8,000 to . . . → Click Here To Read More: A Scholarship Program in Mari’s Honor]]>

I want to start off by telling everyone I am still here even though I have not written a little while.  I have started a new job and trying to do some other things.

I know many of you know I have been writing a book about Mari’s life and the grief journey that followed.  The book is done.  However, here is where the problem lies.  I have found an editor that I believe will be perfect for this book.  Unfortunately, the price is quite high for me to pay her.  I need to raise about $8,000 to have it done.

Right now I am looking at how I can make the book smaller so the cost is less.  Then I will start looking into fundraising to help with the cost. 

I have also come to a decision with regards to where I want either some or the majority of the profits from the book to go.  I am going to start a non-profit organization in honor of Mari that will be a scholarship program for those individuals who would like to become teachers for those children who have autism.  For an individual to receive a scholarship through this organization they will first have to submit an essay stating why they would like to receive a scholarship.  I will be personally reading every submission.  I want each scholarship given to be a full ride scholarship.  I will of course do my research to find out what the average cost across the country is to attend college.  I do not want anyone to be stuck going only to a state school.  However, we will not be paying for a full ride to like Harvard.  I want individuals to be able to have the opportunity to attend a private college if possible.  And when I say full ride I am talking about tuition, boarding, fees, and books.  The individuals who are awarded these scholarships must provide proof either each semester or year that they are currently enrolled in a special education program for autism.  Then after the individual graduates they must show they have gotten a job teaching children with autism for a minimum of 2 years.  If this criteria is not all met they will then be required to pay back the entire scholarship.  Of course, this is all laid out for each individual before they ever receive the scholarship so there are no surprises.

I have wanted to start a scholarship program in Mari’s name ever since she passed away.  I know there are just not enough autism teachers out there today.  I also know it takes a very special person to do this.  If we can find those type of people out there today I would love to help ease the burden for those who need it that way they do not have to take out a lot of loans.

So far, those are my thoughts on Mari’s book and what I would like to see happen.  Please let me know what you think about this. I would love to hear your thoughts.

Well, today started off as a decent day.  I had to be to work at 7am (no fun by the way).  Outside was cold but I didn’t realize just how cold.  Even when I started my car to warm it up I still didn’t know.

It wasn’t until I got back in my car and heading to work that the temperature gauge in my car showing how cold it was outside at a balmy 3 degrees Fahrenheit outside.  When I get to work I park my car on the GM side of Walmart but the doors there were . . . → Click Here To Read More: Not again…]]>

Well, today started off as a decent day.  I had to be to work at 7am (no fun by the way).  Outside was cold but I didn’t realize just how cold.  Even when I started my car to warm it up I still didn’t know.

It wasn’t until I got back in my car and heading to work that the temperature gauge in my car showing how cold it was outside at a balmy 3 degrees Fahrenheit outside.  When I get to work I park my car on the GM side of Walmart but the doors there were not open yet.  So I had to walk to the grocery side.  Well the walk in the bitter cold did not bode well for my lungs.

Sure enough once I got inside my asthma kicked in.  I had a bad attack but I do keep my nebulizer in my locker just in case.  I end up going home for the day.  I truly hate my lungs.

I just love it when people completely disregard the rules.  NOT!

Keith and I live here in Kentucky.  He is stationed at Fort Knox.  It is pretty chilly outside right now with our highs around 20 to 30 degrees and the wind chills even colder.  You’ve got to love it when things are below freezing (not really lol).

Well, most of you know I work at Walmart by now.  Many of you may not know, however, that I have pretty bad asthma and unfortunately for me, my lungs happen to be super sensitive to certain smells like cigarette . . . → Click Here To Read More: Rules aren’t meant to be followed right?!?!]]>

I just love it when people completely disregard the rules.  NOT!

Keith and I live here in Kentucky.  He is stationed at Fort Knox.  It is pretty chilly outside right now with our highs around 20 to 30 degrees and the wind chills even colder.  You’ve got to love it when things are below freezing (not really lol).

Well, most of you know I work at Walmart by now.  Many of you may not know, however, that I have pretty bad asthma and unfortunately for me, my lungs happen to be super sensitive to certain smells like cigarette smoke.

Now I have no problem with people who smoke.  I mean, it’s their body and they know the risks associated with smoking.  However, for someone like me, I pretty much have to avoid it all together.  I’ve already had a pretty major asthma attack here at work due to someone smoking where they were not supposed to.

Well, I went to go into the family bathroom (a little more privacy in there) and the wall of cigarette smoke that hit me was unreal.  I just don’t get how some people can be so incredibly rude.  They have no consideration for anyone but themselves.  If you feel it is too cold to smoke outside, quit smoking.  Don’t smoke in places you are not supposed to that can send others to the hospital for your rudeness.  Ultimately, I ended up taking a puff on my inhaler just to be safe as my lungs got a little tight.

I want to share a passage of the Bible that was recently shown to me:

2 Samuel 12:15-23

15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[a] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the . . . → Click Here To Read More: Seeing Mari again]]>

I want to share a passage of the Bible that was recently shown to me:

2 Samuel 12:15-23

¹⁵ After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. ¹⁶ David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth^[a] on the ground. ¹⁷ The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

¹⁸ On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

So why have I shared this passage from the Bible.  I hope it is obvious, but just in case, let me explain.

The last part of verse 22 is so important.  “Can I bring [Mari] back again?”  No I can’t.  No one can.  “I will go to [her], but [she] will not return to me”  In other words, I am a born again believer.  I have accepted Christ into my heart and life so my eternity is in heaven as this is where one day I will get the awesome opportunity to go and be with her again.

This gives me the peace I have been searching for.

January 15, 2011

I forgot to mention one thing in the above message.  When my pastor asked me to go to 2 Samuel Chapter 12, when I opened my Bible, I opened up directly to 2 Samuel Chapter 12.  Need I say more.

Recently things have been good.  I have not been overly sad.  I mean, I miss Mari but I am doing good.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows . . . → Click Here To Read More: Writing through tragedy]]>

Recently things have been good.  I have not been overly sad.  I mean, I miss Mari but I am doing good.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows more than I ever could.  He has an ultimate purpose.  Everything happens for a reason.

I know out of this tragedy I started to write.  I am not really sure this would have ever happened otherwise.  So thank you Lord for giving me this gift and that I am able to share my writing with others.

Some people may think it strange to write out your thoughts and feelings and then sharing them on a website on the internet for all to read.  Some people may not understand how this is an outlet for me to cope and deal with my grief. Or that by sharing my writing with people it may help someone out there I would have never been able to touch otherwise.  But to be honest, it doesn’t matter if makes sense to anyone else.  All that matters is that I know it helps me and by writing it all down I am then able to help others who are not able to put their thoughts and feelings into words.  They can relate to what I am writing.  I think that is what has touched me the most in that a few words I write may actually help someone else out there I probably will never get the chance to meet.

Life has a way of surprising you and bringing things into your life you may have never given a second chance before.

Thank you Lord for showing me this gift of writing through the worst tragedy of my life.  Just thank you.



December 13, 2010

I am driving in my car this morning and the roads are kind of nasty from the snow we got yesterday.  I finally plug in my iPhone so I can listen to my iPod.

Last night on the way home from work I decided to play Steven Curtis Chapman’s CD “Beauty Will Rise.”  This CD was written and created after the tragic death of his youngest daughter Maria.  Maria passed away on May 21, 2008, only a little less than 2 months before Mari did.  His CD is one of the ways he dealt with . . . → Click Here To Read More: Missing the imporant moments]]>

December 13, 2010

I am driving in my car this morning and the roads are kind of nasty from the snow we got yesterday.  I finally plug in my iPhone so I can listen to my iPod.

Last night on the way home from work I decided to play Steven Curtis Chapman’s CD “Beauty Will Rise.”  This CD was written and created after the tragic death of his youngest daughter Maria.  Maria passed away on May 21, 2008, only a little less than 2 months before Mari did.  His CD is one of the ways he dealt with his grief.  All of the songs have great meaning behind them.

As I am heading to my dermatology appointment this morning, one of the last songs I heard was “February 20^th.”  When you really listen to this song, there is some great meaning and celebration that went behind it.  I have listened to this song many times.  However, in Mary Beth Chapman’s book “Choosing to See,” she goes into greater detail exactly what that song really is about.

It was just a typical day for their family when Maria questioned them about how to get to heaven.  For Steven and Mary Beth, I can just imagine the excitement this brought them and how they lead her to Christ and in turn their other daughter Shoey as well.

So why do I write about all of this.  Because in their great joy, which it is, I am so saddened as Keith and I never got to experience this with Mari.  She was never able to conceive who or what God or Jesus is.  Her autism didn’t allow it.

Mari was such a special little girl.  Her smiles could brighten up an entire room.  However, she could not comprehend the life that surrounded her.  Mari’s world really didn’t have struggles and obstacles like many of us have.  Hers were simple things we take for granted like being able to have a simple conversation with someone or understanding that you can get hurt if you dance on the roof or “stranger danger.”

Mari’s world was simple.  Sometimes I wish we could all have a little simple in our lives.  Maybe we could all strive to be more like her, especially with her unconditional love.  Thank you for all that you are and were Mari.  You were one special little angel while on this earth and I bet even more so now that you’re in heaven.

I miss you baby girl and mommy misses you very much.

Love Mommy

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that talks about “Out of these ashes beauty will rise.”  The ashes represent the tragedy his family endured the day their daughter Maria died.  The “beauty [that] will rise” is representative of God’s grace and love that even though something as terrible as losing a child, God is still there through it all.  He is seeing you through.

I can say I do love this song and the hope it brings.  However, my life doesn’t seem to have found the Beauty of it all.  I still have yet to feel this hope.  . . . → Click Here To Read More: “Out of these ashes beauty will rise”]]>

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that talks about “Out of these ashes beauty will rise.”  The ashes represent the tragedy his family endured the day their daughter Maria died.  The “beauty [that] will rise” is representative of God’s grace and love that even though something as terrible as losing a child, God is still there through it all.  He is seeing you through.

I can say I do love this song and the hope it brings.  However, my life doesn’t seem to have found the Beauty of it all.  I still have yet to feel this hope.  I mean, I know God is out there taking care of us.  I know he loves us but the pain and sorrow I have for losing Mari is so great.  I seem to miss her more and more all the time.

I would love to be able to meet Steven and his wife Mary Beth someday to ask them how they have truly been able to make it through.  Just to watch people from the outside is not a sign of how they are actually getting through.  You tend to keep your grief to yourself.  Even when it comes to your spouse, you grieve differently.  You might have a great marriage before the loss but the death of a child puts stress on the marriage like nothing else can.  It does not matter how strong your marriage is before hand, the two will struggle to get through.

The struggles of life, there always seem to be a never ending supply of them.  Some of them seem simple and easy to overcome.  Some seem out of the ordinary but we learn to deal with them anyway.  Then some are simply unbearable and hard to imagine what the light at the end of the tunnel even looks like.

That last one is the one that can describe, or at least try to, as to what it’s like for a parent to have lost a child.  When it happens, the second it happens, there is no light.  It . . . → Click Here To Read More: The struggles of life…]]>

The struggles of life, there always seem to be a never ending supply of them.  Some of them seem simple and easy to overcome.  Some seem out of the ordinary but we learn to deal with them anyway.  Then some are simply unbearable and hard to imagine what the light at the end of the tunnel even looks like.

That last one is the one that can describe, or at least try to, as to what it’s like for a parent to have lost a child.  When it happens, the second it happens, there is no light.  It feels like it is pitch black and you muddle your way through the darkness just trying to survive.

There are some that don’t and succumb to the darkness by taking their life as they feel, “What do I have left to live for.”

What these people have failed to realize is what all the other parents have is if you can’t live for yourself you learn to live for the child you lost.  You learn to live a new.  You learn to become a new person so the light of your child never really blows out as he or she can now live on in you.

No it is not easy and even those who may “SEEM” strong have lapses back to the tougher times of it all.  However, they continue to live and continue to create the new person they are meant to be: The light for the child.  Their child becomes the light at the end of their tunnel.

When the parent does this for their child that’s gone, it’s like his or her spirit is still with us helping all to remember what type of child he or she was when he or she was alive.

In the end, the parent looks to be strong but all that really has happened is that the parent has no choice but to become this new person or they kill themselves.

Grief is confused for strength.  When your child is taken from you, you have no choice but to continue living. A grieving parent struggles day to day to continue to live without their beloved angel but somehow they do it.

It’s always interesting to meet someone new.  You don’t know what type of person s/he is.  You don’t know what to expect from him/her.  You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations.  In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery.  Will you like this person?  Do you have the same ideals?  Do you have the same beliefs?  And the list just goes on and on.  Ultimately, curiosity kills the cat and we must find out more about this person.  Do you want to get to know this person more?  Do . . . → Click Here To Read More: Meeting Someone New]]>

It’s always interesting to meet someone new.  You don’t know what type of person s/he is.  You don’t know what to expect from him/her.  You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations.  In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery.  Will you like this person?  Do you have the same ideals?  Do you have the same beliefs?  And the list just goes on and on.  Ultimately, curiosity kills the cat and we must find out more about this person.  Do you want to get to know this person more?  Do you want him/her to just remain an acquaintance or would you like to get to know him/her on a more personal level to possibly becoming one of your friends?  Maybe even a really close friend you know you can count on someday.  Or is this a person you want to completely steer clear of as they are not the type of person you want to hang around with or be associated with?  I don’t know about you, but in the back of mind I have all of these types of questions that I try to get answered either from the first time I meet a new person or after being around him/her a few times.

The reason I brought this up today is I met someone new yesterday in a completely unexpected way.  A woman with one of her daughters and another child knocked on our door yesterday morning.  Keith went to answer the door and there she was.  We have never met her before and so human instinct kicks in and you want to find out who this person is.  Is it someone you want to immediately shut the door on and wish you had never opened the door to begin with or is this someone you want to take a chance with and find out what they want?  Well, this lady is someone whom we wanted to find out a little bit more about.

She said she was from a local church in the area and just wanted to invite us out.  I of course overheard her talking from across the room so I immediately became intrigued.  I went over to the door and started to talk with her.

To make a long story short, she is a very nice person.  We ended up talking for about a 30 to 45 minutes right there on our front door step.  Her and I have a lot in common.  Like our belief system for example.  She was very approachable and easy to talk to.

So for some reason I decided to get one of the business cards I have made up that have a picture of Mari on it (one of her very last one’s before she got sick) and the website to Mommy’s Angel In Heaven.  Then I decided to share with her about Mari.

Normally, I can tell people about Mari and I keep my emotions in check, so to speak.  But for some reason this time, I was not able to do that.  As I was talking about Mari and how Keith and I want to find a church to go to but have not as of yet, I start to cry.

I hate it when I become emotional like this, and what seems out of the blue, especially with a complete stranger I have never met before.  I mean, what will this person think of me?  Will she think I am a complete basket case?  Wish she think I am an emotional wreck?  Who knows?  But for some reason I felt incredibly safe with this woman.  I felt I could open up to her and I need that.  Especially given that I hardly know anyone yet since we moved here.  I don’t have any friends yet.  It can be rather lonely sometimes.  So I guess I just needed someone to talk to and she felt safe as it seems like we have a lot in common.

Well, I have a feeling she thinks I am totally sane and not a basket case.  She probably understood that the loss of a child is incredible and you never really get over it.

The end result is I would like to get to know this woman better and possibly create a friendship.  It feels nice to meet someone new you want to get to know better.  So I want to send out a big “thank you” to this woman for taking a chance by knocking on our door yesterday as you just never know whom you might meet and touch in the end.

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb.  Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church.  You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age.  You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help . . . → Click Here To Read More: Julie and Sylvia]]>

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb.  Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church.  You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age.  You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help in ways that most people couldn’t.  You understood her like most people couldn’t.  You are just such a special person and if I have never told you thank you for all you ever did with our beloved baby girl, I want you to know now how very thankful Keith and I are and will always continue to be.

Let me just say that you have been there for me in ways that most people could not as you too have lost a child and a very young one at that.  You have been there for me in my darkest hour and I appreciate you more than you could ever know or imagine.  My sincerest hope is that one day, I too, can be there for a parent whom has lost a child (even though we all wish this would never happen again but unfortunately we all know it will) in ways that he or she could have never imagined.

We unfortunately have joined a club, a very special club.  The club everyone hates and no one wants to enter.  We become members kicking and scream but no matter what we end up joining in the end.  It’s the “Parents Who’ve Lost a Child” club.  We all have an understanding that others out there simply cannot understand or truly grasp.  I mean, they try but it is impossible to truly understand until you have been through it yourself and obviously no one wants that.  So in a way it is a good thing these other people don’t understand as it just means they themselves have been saved from the heartache and despair we all feel and have felt.

It’s is weird how other people can actually relate to my writing.  I have been told that I have a way of being able to take those feelings and emotions that most people cannot or are unable to talk about or portray to others and I am able to put them down into words for other people to understand.  I can honestly say that it is so strange for me to hear. 

I have always said that I never considered myself to be a very good writer.  That is slowly but surely starting to change.  As the old adage, or old saying, goes when you hear something enough, good or bad, you start to believe it.  So I have to conclude with enough people saying it that I must write ok after all.  So thank you to all of you who have either told me this or have never said anything but you yourself believe it.

It is through friends like Sylvia and Julie that have truly helped me in ways I never thought humanly possible during these almost past two years.  We are only 14 days, exactly 2 weeks, away from where my life started to change and I had no idea it was about to.  It is a change that I have hated and will continue to hate for the rest of my life, but a change none the less.  A change that I have still not completely accepted nor will I ever fully accept it.  However, it is a change that will slowly but sure be imbedded into my mind as there is no way anyone of us could ever change it back so you have to learn to just accept the reality of what has been given to you anyway.

It is interesting to me how this had simply started out to be a reply to a comment that a very dear friend had made and now it has turned out to be so much more than that.  I was realizing as I was writing this that there is more to this reply than just a reply.  I guess when the thoughts start coming, they seem to explode now and then.  It’s weird that way for me sometimes.  It feels good in the end to get them all out there written down.  I can look back on them later and they even help me out.  It feels good to know this. 

Then as an added bonus: They seem to help other people out there as well.  I mean, I could have never imagined that way back when Mari was first in the hospital that those journal entries I was writing about while she was in the hospital and what was happening to her and her updates (see Her Hospital Story) would ultimately lead me into writing out my own feelings with the loss of Keith’s and my beloved baby girl, our beloved angel in heaven. 

I say “our” because Mari may have been mine and Keith’s daughter, however, she was and continues to be everyone else’s out there’s beloved angel in heaven watching over all of us.  She makes sure we are all ok in her own special way, Mari’s way (I mean, could you truly imagine it being any other way?).  After all, it always had to be Mari’s way here on earth.  Do you honestly think it would change up there in heaven? No way.

Back to the comments people have been leaving.  Here recently, I have received so many that have meant so much to me.  Julie wrote how she loves “reading [my] writing when [I] do these honest, real life pieces. [I’m] so down to earth and easy to relate to. The continuing story of Mari and how [Keith and I] are dealing with her being gone is really a unique and rich experience that [I am] doing an amazing job of sharing with everyone.”  It’s hard for me to truly get across how this just cut right down to my heart and meant so much.  It touched me in a way that is hard for me to put down in to words.  As I was reading her comment last night, it actually brought tears to my eyes just as Sylvia’s comment did for me this morning.    To hear how other people either feel or see my writing is such a neat experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So the bottom line is just Thank You.  Thank you to everyone and the words you have shared with me through your comments.  Some are short, sweet and to the point, others are long and very expressive, and then all of those in between.  Thank you for them all.

With Love,