I will tell you writing fiction is so different than writing a college paper. A year ago when I started this journey, let’s just say, I was a little green behind the ears. I was so naïve to the proper rules and etiquette of fiction.   Like the dreaded passive verbs (was/were/had) and ‘ly’ words. These are a big no-no in fiction (who would a thunk).

I can remember growing up reading romance novels (starting about . . . → Click Here To Read More: Writing Fiction]]> I’ve been writing my first fictional book ever. It has been quite the experience.

I will tell you writing fiction is so different than writing a college paper. A year ago when I started this journey, let’s just say, I was a little green behind the ears. I was so naïve to the proper rules and etiquette of fiction.   Like the dreaded passive verbs (was/were/had) and ‘ly’ words. These are a big no-no in fiction (who would a thunk).

I can remember growing up reading romance novels (starting about junior high/high school). I love them. I eventually converted over to adult romances. I can remember thinking, “Oh I would love to be able to write this kind of book.” But I had no real draw to write.

English had never been my forte. To be honest, when I graduated high school and took the entrance exam for the community college, I couldn’t even test into English 101. I had to start in English 097, three below. It sucked but it was what it was.

I actually didn’t finish that first semester because I decided to go from the Army reserves to active duty. Then six years later I was able to test right into English 101. Not really sure what happen (I somehow got magically smarter) but it was kewl.

I think I’m getting just a little off track here (you should try talking to me in real life). Back to why I’m talking about right fiction. I just finished the first draft of my book on Saturday night. Right now the book’s title is Unchoiced Blessings. I took the word I came up with, unchoices, and used it in the title. Just like Mari’s death was an unchoiced blessing, so is the same for the main character in my book.

Her name is Catalina Russo. She is a strong woman, more than she even realizes at this point. I have been able to put a little bit of me into her.

I plan to eventually get this book published and then I want to use part of the proceeds to go to the foundation I will start in Mari’s name. I want to start a scholarship program for individuals who want to get a degree to teach child who have autism. I want the program to grow big enough to where I can give a full ride scholarship for four years. I know to begin with it will be small but through God all things are possible.

This book will be able to do that for me.

Now you might be asking, “But what happened to Mari’s book?” Don’t worry. I’m still in the process of writing her book. However, I had to put it on hold. God took me in another direction. He told me I needed to learn the fiction process of writing first so I could implement this into her book. Her book will become more alive as a result. I’m going to go back to college to earn a degree in creative writing for both fiction and non-fiction. I want her book to be able to be used a tool to help others out there. I want people to see that good things can come out of tragedy. That an everyday person, me, not a celebrity, can make it through terrible tragedy and still be okay.

I have big hopes and dreams for her book. I know through God all things are possible. We just have to pray and believe.

I am about to write something that for some may come across the wrong way. I need everyone to understand that I truly love my daughter and I would give anything to have her back. She was my pride and joy and that will never change. However, God didn’t plan for her to stay on this earth longer than her eight and half . . . → Click Here To Read More: It’s kind of amazing…]]> It kind of amazes me how I started writing. It has taken me a while to even admit that I am writer (out loud). It sounded so foreign to me yet now it is the exact opposite.

I am about to write something that for some may come across the wrong way. I need everyone to understand that I truly love my daughter and I would give anything to have her back. She was my pride and joy and that will never change. However, God didn’t plan for her to stay on this earth longer than her eight and half years she was with us. He had a plan back then and He still has one now. We may not always understand this plan, in fact we may even disagree with vehemently, yet his plan still takes precedence over anything else in the world. In the end, it is all for His glory.

I look back at the last three and half years and I would have never imagined where I am today. My grief journey has not been easy. I don’t think anyone expected it to be. However, as a result of losing Mari, my beloved angel now in heaven, I started to write that first day while she was in the hospital.

God has allowed many things to happen in my life from being abuse as a child to losing my one and only child plus many other things in between. He had a plan during that whole time. He knew He would show me that He had given me a gift to write but in order to do this He took my daughter to be home with Him. She is now in a better place and through my writing I am able to glorify Him. I can now look at the death of my daughter through different eyes. I can see a bigger picture than I could before.

When I was at my weakest, all I could see was the deep despair and agony the impact of losing a child brings. To say this is hard doesn’t even describe it. There are no words in the English dictionary today that can truly describe what it is like to lose a child. How your heart feels like it has been ripped from your chest. How you feel like you cannot go on living without them by your side.

God has been patient with me through my grief journey. He held me as I was so angry at Him for having the audacity to think it was ok to take my child. However, He knew what He was doing. I couldn’t have understood at the time. My human brain couldn’t wrap itself around something like this. This is why God carries you during times like this. His love envelopes you. You may not think you can feel Him but He is there.

Writing has become something so special to me. I am able to put into words what most people can’t. This is not because of me but because of the gift God has given me. It is through this gift that my writing has and will touch many people’s lives. People will be able to see that even through the worst tragedies we can think of, God is always there guiding and protecting you. You do not have the strength to get through but God gives you the strength needed to be able to. It is because of His strength that I can finally see Mari’s passing as both sad yet a blessing at the same time. I hope this has made sense because for the first time it is making perfect sense to me.

Thank you Lord for all that you do. Mari, my beautiful baby girl, please know Mommy misses you very much and we will see each other someday soon in heaven when the time is right.

This year on the way to Gatlinburg we ended up being delayed by either a mud slide or rock slide on I-75 located around mile marker 143. We ended up being put on a detour that added about an extra hour or so our drive time. The other women . . . → Click Here To Read More: This Year’s Ladies Retreat in Gatlinburg]]> I write from the ladies retreat I am on from my church this weekend. It is Saturday night right now. I went last year and the experience was exactly what I needed at the time. This was when I was introduced to Angie Smith’s story. It was something unexpected but good.

This year on the way to Gatlinburg we ended up being delayed by either a mud slide or rock slide on I-75 located around mile marker 143. We ended up being put on a detour that added about an extra hour or so our drive time. The other women in the church that were in the church vans who only left about a half hour after us were stuck in this for over 4 hours. I mean, we were able to arrive at the cabin around 5:45 whereas the church vans didn’t get here until around 8:30. Needless to say it was a long drive.

This year we had a guest speaker by the name of Jennifer Walker. This is a woman who has been through her own fair share of trials and tribulations. She has not had what would be by today’s standards an easy life. However, for her she has had a good life because of the Lord. She truly is a woman of God. I have had such a connection with her.

As a special thank you gift for speaking at our retreat, one of the women gave her a bag that she personally drew different kinds of pictures that had Jennifer’s favorite things. She was telling her what each one stood for. She had drawn a steam cup of hot coffee. This was for her blog called “Smelling Coffee.” My ears immediately perked up. I thought, “Oh, she’s a fellow Christian writer.” I knew I just had to talk to her.

We started talking shortly after and we really connected. She has such an amazing story. You can see the hand of God in her life. I could see this woman becoming a good friend if we lived by each other. I think she has that kind of personality where you feel like you could trust her and that she would be there for you. When we talked this evening, I told her this. She said, “I know. It feels like we’ve known each other for years.” I told her I know what you mean.

Overall, this was a great weekend for all the women. We all arrived safe and we got to hear from a woman who will be remembered for years to come. It’s been nice to get away and become closer to God.

I sat here during church service and watched a man become baptized. This is such a special time. The commitment is huge and precious for any person who does it. He walked down into the water. Our pastor briefly told us how that our church had sent over Bibles while the soldiers were deployed to Afghanistan. This man had received one of those very precious Bibles. He started to read it. As a result he decided to give his life to Jesus. I mean WOW. You just never know . . . → Click Here To Read More: Giving your life over]]> (I wrote this last Sunday, March 4, 2012 during worship service)

I sat here during church service and watched a man become baptized. This is such a special time. The commitment is huge and precious for any person who does it. He walked down into the water. Our pastor briefly told us how that our church had sent over Bibles while the soldiers were deployed to Afghanistan. This man had received one of those very precious Bibles. He started to read it. As a result he decided to give his life to Jesus. I mean WOW. You just never know how something like giving a little Bible in a care package could literally change this man’s life for eternity.

So when he came back he made a decision to be baptized just like Jesus was and in the same way he did: that would be baptism by being immersed in water.

When I was fourteen I made this same decision. It is such an important one to make. I didn’t become saved by being baptized. That is done when you pray for forgiveness and ask Jesus into our hearts. However, the act of baptism is the symbolism of before you get dunking in the water you have your old human self-centered self, whereas once you go in the water and come back out it symbolizes the new birth you have in Jesus. You put Jesus, God, first before yourself.

Baptism is such a personal decision and something you shouldn’t take lightly. I am ever so glad I had this done. Thank you Lord for allowing me to be one of your many children. Say hi to Mari for me. Tell her Mommy misses her and will see her someday in heaven.

You just never know when it might hit you again. Today in my Sunday school class we had walked in about 15 minutes late. Our Sunday school teacher was in the middle of telling something. He was talking about how this young kid (probably late teens to early twenty’s) who sounded like he has been making a lot of bad choices. They went into Wal-mart and he stayed in the car. When they came back out he was unresponsive. By the time they got him revived, his brain had not had oxygen . . . → Click Here To Read More: Remember back…]]> (This was written last Sunday, March 4, 2012)

You just never know when it might hit you again. Today in my Sunday school class we had walked in about 15 minutes late. Our Sunday school teacher was in the middle of telling something. He was talking about how this young kid (probably late teens to early twenty’s) who sounded like he has been making a lot of bad choices. They went into Wal-mart and he stayed in the car. When they came back out he was unresponsive. By the time they got him revived, his brain had not had oxygen for about 20 minutes. AS of yesterday morning, they considered him brain dead. They cannot officially pronounce him this until twenty-four hours without all the extra meds they’ve been giving him. This morning around 10a.m. they will reassess him to be able to officially diagnose him. He was talking about the mom and how she must be feeling.

As he is talking I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. It brought me right back to Mari’s last few days. I know how this mom is feeling. I’ve been there. You feel like this just can’t be happening. To put it simply: IT SUCKS!

I think that kids can see things as they are and are still open to all the possibilities that . . . → Click Here To Read More: The innocence of a child]]> It’s interesting with kids the things they will say and are not scared or embarrassed by.  They don’t have any reason to think before speaking yet because they are still so naive to what the world holds for them.  It is hard lessons over time in our lives that start to teach us to become more and more reserved.  Some to the point of holding everything in and not sharing with anyone unless that person comes to truly trust someone else.

I think that kids can see things as they are and are still open to all the possibilities that lie ahead of them through the coming years.  Sometimes I wish I still had that in the sense I would be more free.  Then at the same time I am glad I have already learned so much and have become so much wiser. 

I know that over time our niece and nephew will learn when it is a good time to say things and when it isn’t but in the mean time it is kind of refreshing to witness their innocence just a little bit long.

There were two test to be done. The first one took about an hour to do. I had the privilege of have a tube (she said it was a pediatric one at that) stuck through my nose that she then had to slide down into my belly. Well, . . . → Click Here To Read More: Today kind of sucked for me]]> Today kind of sucks for me. I had to go to the hospital to have a procedure done. Don’t freak out. It is nothing serious. My GI doctor wanted me to have the test (procedure) done to check to see how much acid I have that might be coming up from my stomach.

There were two test to be done. The first one took about an hour to do. I had the privilege of have a tube (she said it was a pediatric one at that) stuck through my nose that she then had to slide down into my belly. Well, through this process I found out that I have a terrible gag reflex. The first time she tried she had to actually stop because it was so bad that I just started coughing and hacking. Tears were streaming down my eyes. I looked like a raccoon once it was all said and done.

Over the next hour she slowly took out the tube. When I say slowly I mean it was about an inch to a half-inch at a time. I was never so happy as when the tube was finally all the way out. I went into the bathroom to clean up my face. Man I looked like a mess. I wish I had not worn makeup today but who would have thunk all this would have happened.

The best part about all of this is I still had the other test to do. (NOT!!) This test I get the privilege having another tube stuck down my nose that goes into my belly. Not for one hour. Not even for two. The winner is: 24 HOURS! Yeah for me. (Just a little sarcasm there goes a long way LOL.) This test will be checking for acid over the next twenty-four hours to see how far any acid reflux happens, if any.

On the little monitor I can see the two pHs being monitored. One is closer to my stomach and the other is closer to my throat. My hope is that it will show why I have had all these swallowing/coughing problems. I feel fortunate that I have not really felt any real acid reflux issues. I mean I know I get heartburn once in a while, or at least I feel it once in a while, but it has never felt really bad.

With the tube down my throat it is hard to talk and swallow. When I talk it makes me want to gag because I can feel the tube back there. When I eat it move the tube up and down and it just hurts. Anytime I think I feel heartburn/acid reflux, I am to put the time from the machine down on this diary sheet and what that was. I also have to do this when I eat or drink anything besides water and when I lay down for any length of time.

I just look at the end result as I will be able to be one step closer to finding out what is exactly wrong with me. I have had issues with my swallowing for years or where I would suddenly have a cough fit in the middle of the night where I would have to sit straight up in my bed as a result. You might be wondering what I mean by “swallowing issues.” What happens sometimes when I eat but mostly when I drink something is that it “goes down the wrong pipe” so to speak. Basically the flap that is at the top of your throat that is supposed to keep food and drink from getting into your lungs for some reason is not working right with me which allows the food to go to the wrong place. Hence the coughing attacks when eating/drinking. My hope is that through all of this we will be able to get me on some type of medication to fix it or to do some minor procedure to help it. I guess we will find out soon enough.

(I actually wrote this yesterday but posted it today. As an update, the tube is now officially out of my mouth and I am in seventh heaven.  I can eat solid food again.  Yummy!)

I think back to last spring time frame when I first happen come upon a writing community through CreateSpace. From there I have become in involved in a few others. And through this experience I have been able to find this new group of people. They actually have local chapters all over the country you can become a part of. I have joined the Ohio Valley chapter. . . . → Click Here To Read More: Exciting Times]]> I’m kind of excited. I just joined a new writing organization online called ACFW (American Christian Fiction Writers). I was told about this organization from someone on a forum I am apart of.

I think back to last spring time frame when I first happen come upon a writing community through CreateSpace. From there I have become in involved in a few others. And through this experience I have been able to find this new group of people. They actually have local chapters all over the country you can become a part of. I have joined the Ohio Valley chapter. I am really excited to see who I will meet and what will happen. This “writing thing” that I wasn’t too sure of not too long ago has turned out to be something I truly enjoy.

I was actually talking to Keith last night (my husband) about how wouldn’t it be neat if I could actually turn my writing into a full time career. Maybe even actually make money at it. It was never a childhood aspiration of mine. I mean I loved to read young adult romance books in high school and then eventually converted over to adult romance. But to write it, I always thought of myself as a terrible writer.

Then Mari died and that all changed. I probably will never understand why God decided to take her from us as early as he did but he did. To me, however, it is kind of amazing that through something as tragic as losing my daughter I could have found something that has helped me the most and that is being able to write down all my thoughts and feelings and then being able to share those with people. To be told that something I have written has actually touched someone else’s life is a pretty neat feeling. I would have never guessed I would be where I am today.

There were two test to be done. The first one took about an hour to perform. I had the privilege of having a tube (she said it was a pediatric one at that) stuck through my nose that she then had to slide . . . → Click Here To Read More: Things that happen]]> Today kind of sucks for me. I had to go to the hospital to have a procedure done. Don’t freak out. It is nothing serious. My GI doctor wanted me to have this test (procedure) done to check to see how much acid I have that might be coming up from my stomach and causing me problems.

There were two test to be done. The first one took about an hour to perform. I had the privilege of having a tube (she said it was a pediatric one at that) stuck through my nose that she then had to slide down into my belly. Well, through this process I found out that I have a terrible gag reflex. The first time she tried she had to actually stop and take it back out because it was so bad that I just started coughing and hacking. Tears were streaming down my eyes. I must have looked like a raccoon once it was all said and done due to my make up and mascera.

Over the next hour she slowly took out the tube. When I say slowly I mean it was about an inch to a half inch at a time. I was never so happy as when it was finally all the way out. I went into the bathroom to clean up my face. Man I looked like a mess and I did look like a racoon after all. I wish I had not worn makeup today but who would have thunk all this would have happened.

The best part about all of this is I still had to do the other test. (NOT!!) This test I get the privilege having another tube stuck down my nose that goes into my belly. Not for one hour. Not even for two. The winner is: 24 HOURS! Yeah for me. (Just a little sarcasm there goes a long way LOL.) This test will be checking for acid over the next twenty four hours to see how far any acid reflux goes up into my throat, if any.

On the little monitor I can see the two pHs being monitored. On the tube one montior is closer to my stomach and the other is closer to my throat. My hope is that it will show why I have been having all these swallowing/coughing problems. I feel fortunate that I have not really felt any real acid reflux issues over the years if I have that problem. I mean, I know I get heartburn once in a while, or at least I feel it once in a while, but it has never felt really bad.

With the tube down my throat it is hard to talk and swallow. When I talk it makes me want to gag because I can feel the tube back there. When I eat it moves the tube up and down and it just hurts in my nose. Anytime I think I feel heartburn/acid reflux, I am to put the time from the machine down on this diary sheet and mark an X in the column for heartburn. I also have to do this when I eat or drink anything besides water and when I lay down for any length of time.

I just look at the end result as I will be able to be one step closer to finding out what is exactly wrong with me. I have been having issues with my swallowing for years or I would suddenly have a coughing fit in the middle of the night where I would have to sit straight up in my bed as a result. You might be wondering what I mean by “swallowing issues.” Sometimes when I eat, but mostly when I drink something, it “goes down the wrong pipe” so to speak. Basically the flap that is at the top of your throat that is supposed to keep food and drink from getting into your lungs for some reason is not working right with me which allows the food/drink to go to the wrong place. Hence the coughing attacks when eating/drinking. My hope is that through all of this we will be able to get me on some type of medication to fix it or to do some minor procedure to help it. I guess we will find out soon enough.

(I wrote this yesterday but waited to post this until today)