This weekend has been a nice relaxing weekend. I have basically sat here catching up on one of my favorite shows. The only thing that stinks is that Keith is not here. He is on a business trip this week. I miss him when he is gone. The kids haven’t been exactly happy has they have both been grounded all weekend. I think that it really has impacted them. Trevin’s was mostly for lying (again) and Athena’s was mostly for being disrespectful and rude to an adult but going up to the other’s team’s coach and telling him . . . → Click Here To Read More: Having Kids]]>

This weekend has been a nice relaxing weekend. I have basically sat here catching up on one of my favorite shows. The only thing that stinks is that Keith is not here. He is on a business trip this week. I miss him when he is gone. The kids haven’t been exactly happy has they have both been grounded all weekend. I think that it really has impacted them. Trevin’s was mostly for lying (again) and Athena’s was mostly for being disrespectful and rude to an adult but going up to the other’s team’s coach and telling him that his team is nothing but a bunch of cheater. She certainly is not scared to speak her mind. Someone at work said she is very brazen. I don’t mind her not being afraid to speak her mind. However, she really has to learn when it’s ok to do it and when not to. And certainly an 8 year old little girl has no right to go up and tell an adult this. I think both have been learning lessons.

I will say both kids have really come along since they have been with us. Some things have been more of a struggle than other but I think that is to be expected. They are two of sweet kids I know. I hear such good things from others who are around them. I just think of where they came from and it is good to know that my husband and I are doing some good in their little lives. It feels good to know that they are happy and want to live with us. The kids are so happy now that they want to live with us for the rest of their lives and just have visit with their mom and dad. To me that is partly sad only because for kids to feel this way about their own parents is sad. However, at the same time it makes me happy to know that they are truly happy here.

Hello everyone. I have uploaded a special sneak peak for Mari’s book. It is the first two chapter’s of the book. I am looking for honest feedback from those who are willing to read it. I hope you enjoy it.

https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1082508

Here is a preview of the finaly chapter as well as possibly making it into a children’s book with illustrations. Please tell me what you think:

https://www.createspace.com/Preview/1082512

I sit here in my comfy cozy recliner at about 1am.  I sit here thinking about Mari and knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is Mother’s Day.  I have dreaded it all week.  All it does for me know is remind me that I am a mom without her child on this earth any longer.  I feel childless.

I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, . . . → Click Here To Read More: The Tears of Mother’s Day]]>

I sit here in my comfy cozy recliner at about 1am.  I sit here thinking about Mari and knowing that when I wake up in the morning it is Mother’s Day.  I have dreaded it all week.  All it does for me know is remind me that I am a mom without her child on this earth any longer.  I feel childless.

I dread going to church tomorrow morning because all they will do there is wish all the mother’s a Happy Mother’s Day.  I mean, don’t get me wrong.  I think it is an important day.  However, it will never be the same for me.  It is just a constant reminder that while I am a mother I am one that remembers her child for who she was but now is in heaven.

I just feel like crying.  I have done pretty good so far with the tear and I have not had a sob fest in a while.  I think the last time I sobbingly cried was at the women’s retreat I went to in March.  I know when I cry it helps to temporarily release some of the sadness. 

After a good cry, I can quickly clean my face up and you can’t really tell I had been crying.  I guess I am fortunate that way as I know many women if they shed any tears at all their faces looks like they have for quite some time.  In a way I feel blessed I have it this way so that I can cry in private and once I am done not have everyone asking me if I am ok.

I sit here thinking about my beloved angel today and how much she is missed.  I was looking at one of her pictures up on the wall and at how truly beautiful she was at just 5.  Then I started to look at some of her other pictures.  This got me to thinking about what she would have looked like once she was an adult.  I think she would have been one of those adults that when people looked at her they would have thought she had such natural beauty.  Unfortunately, we will never get to know.  All . . . → Click Here To Read More: Missing Her…]]>

I sit here thinking about my beloved angel today and how much she is missed.  I was looking at one of her pictures up on the wall and at how truly beautiful she was at just 5.  Then I started to look at some of her other pictures.  This got me to thinking about what she would have looked like once she was an adult.  I think she would have been one of those adults that when people looked at her they would have thought she had such natural beauty.  Unfortunately, we will never get to know.  All we can do is try to guess.

The time is quickly approaching 3 years.  It is hard to believe sometimes that it has already been this long.  I mean, how can this be that just a couple of years ago she died.  It still does not seem possible yet we sit here and she is gone anyway.

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day.  I have not really thought about it until this week.  To be honest, I try not to.  However, at work this week it seems I was constantly reminded of it either by someone receiving flowers or by having someone say, “Happy Mother’s Day” to those in the office who are mother’s.  Anymore I just stay silent.  I don’t say it back and I don’t wish it to anyone.  It is not that Idon’t want to wish them a Happy Mother’s Day it is just that I don’t want to think about it as all it does is remind me that Mari is not here and I am a mom without her child on this earth.  It just makes me sad.

I don’t cry like I used to.  I am thinking that is probably a good thing.  However, I have felt like crying all week and actually have a couple of times.  Today is one of those times.  To know Mari is not here is sometimes unbearable as it makes you miss her all the more.  I miss the smile she would give us and the hugs she would offer freely.  She could light up a room and irritate the heck out of you all in one breath.  Remembering her  and her magic ways puts a smile on my face while missing her at the same time.  I guess there really is never a day I don’t think about here just sometimes I think about her way more than others.  I guess that is still to be expected and probably will be this way for the rest of my life.

I love you baby girl and Mommy misses you very much.

Yesterday while at church, a lady from my Sunday School class announced something very special.  She said she was going to hosting a Tastefully Simple (or is Simply Tasteful) party or something like that.  I know that she plans on selling the goodies to members at our church.  Then she announced that all proceeds would be going towards costs to get Mari’s book edited.  To say I was shocked doesn’t even  quite describe it.  I am ever so grateful she came up with this idea and others are willing to help me come up with the money for . . . → Click Here To Read More: Mari’s book]]>

Yesterday while at church, a lady from my Sunday School class announced something very special.  She said she was going to hosting a Tastefully Simple (or is Simply Tasteful) party or something like that.  I know that she plans on selling the goodies to members at our church.  Then she announced that all proceeds would be going towards costs to get Mari’s book edited.  To say I was shocked doesn’t even  quite describe it.  I am ever so grateful she came up with this idea and others are willing to help me come up with the money for the book as Keith and I just do not have $8,000.  It put a great big smile on our faces.

I know at this point I just need to come up with some other fund raising opportunities to help with the cost.  I am asking for some help in this area.  If you have any suggestions on fund raising ideas, please either click on the “Email Me” page above and send me a message with your ideas or simply reply to this post.  This book has come to mean so much to me and knowing that it will get published so that others will be able to read our beautiful baby girls story and my grief journey through the struggle of losing her will mean so much.  I know how other people’s story’s have truly touched my life because I have been able to have the privilege of reading their books. 

I think the two that have impacted my life the most are Mary Beth Champman’s book Choosing to SEE and Angie Smith’s book “I Will Carry You.”  Both of these women not only have in common with me that we have all lost a child (a daughter) but the three of us have lost our children within 3 months of each other.  Mary Beth lost her beautiful Maria in May 2008 and Angie lost her beautiful Audrey in April 2008.  As most of you know Mari passed on away on July 16, 2008.  The three of us are part of a special society, a special club, that we all joined kicking and scream but have come to realize it is what it is.

I know that Mary Beth and Angie have both used their tragedy in a way that has truly inspired so many.  My hope is that Mari’s story will do the same.  I want people to look at Mari as one special angel.  An angel that has taught so many people so many different things without her every know she was doing it.  Just thinking about this puts a smile on my face to know what kind of child God blessed me with in this life.  I mean, I talk about how she was able to teach so many people so much in her short life but I think I am one of the ones who learned the most that no matter what God gives us in our lives that he will always take care of us.  I mean, Mari was hard to deal with most of the time but in those time she could just look at you with her smile and great, big blue eyes and she could just reel you in.  She was and will always continue to be one special little angel.  Thank you God for putting her into Keith’s and my life as we have forever been touched by her sincere innocence.

Life can have its moment’s.  It’s what you do with those moments that count.

I had my security interview this past Thursday.  I think it went pretty well.  The lady was very nice.  It was a nice moment.

Then on Friday I headed out with my church group for our women’s retreat.  I volunteered to drive the Suburban of one of the women who happened to be driving one of the church’s vans.  The weekend was great and I had a really good time.  It was a fantastic moment.

Then Monday morning rolls around and I finally get . . . → Click Here To Read More: Moments]]>

Life can have its moment’s.  It’s what you do with those moments that count.

I had my security interview this past Thursday.  I think it went pretty well.  The lady was very nice.  It was a nice moment.

Then on Friday I headed out with my church group for our women’s retreat.  I volunteered to drive the Suburban of one of the women who happened to be driving one of the church’s vans.  The weekend was great and I had a really good time.  It was a fantastic moment.

Then Monday morning rolls around and I finally get the call from the CPOL office that I have been able to get my tentative security clearance and I am cleared to start my new job.  I immediately gave my two week notice and I start my new job on April 11^th.  I am so excited by this.  This was an unbelievable moment.

Living in those moments is what makes the bad moments bearable.  The loss of Mari was a catastrophic moment.  I continue to learn to live as each day goes by.  However, it is those moments above that makes this time here on earth bearable until we can one day be reunited again in heaven.

I sit here really missing Mari tonight.  I brought with me to the women’s retreat her photo album of her last day,  I just sat here going through it.  I was not really sure if I should bring it or not but was glad I did.  Reading that story tonight about that woman who lost her baby brought up all the memories of her last day.  I sat here crying as I went through it.  I miss her so much and love her so much.  I look at those pictures and it brings me right back to that . . . → Click Here To Read More: Women’s Retreat second entry]]>

I sit here really missing Mari tonight.  I brought with me to the women’s retreat her photo album of her last day,  I just sat here going through it.  I was not really sure if I should bring it or not but was glad I did.  Reading that story tonight about that woman who lost her baby brought up all the memories of her last day.  I sat here crying as I went through it.  I miss her so much and love her so much.  I look at those pictures and it brings me right back to that very day.  It is still dumbfounding sometimes that all of that happened with her and now she sits in heaven.  Even after two and half years it still makes absolutely no sense.  I wish I could understand it.

****

I was just downstairs for our first session this evening.  We watched a video.  It was good but it was very hard for me to stay awake.  I am quite exhausted from the trip today.  I am hoping the second part will be better for me as the woman speaking in it was quite good.

I know I need to get into the Bible more  than I do right now.  I need to find a study partner or something.  It is hard to do that right now with my work schedule.  I never have the same days off each week.  I cannot wait until my interim security clearance comes through as I will be able to quit my current job at Wal-Mart.  I just wish I knew when that would be.  I guess only God knows and he also knows when the right time will be as well.  It is just hard to be patient.  I know it is all in God’s time and not my own.

****

 Well, it has been an interesting night.  We listened to this song that was about the woman’s loss from above.  I couldn’t make it through the song and had a breakdown.  I had to come upstairs to get away.  I started to sob uncontrollably and just could not stop.  I was crying so hard that I sent myself into an asthma attack.  I just do not understand what is wrong with me sometimes.  I feel like I should be over this already.

Then in our little group breakout session, there were four other women in my group.  I sat there for the longest time and basically said nothing.  I tried to just stay numb.  As soon as I said anything important I just could not hold it in anymore AGAIN.  I sobbingly cried again.  These women were wonderful and made me feel special.  However, I feel so weak and vulnerable showing these brand new women this side of me.   I hardly show this side to anyone.  I mean I can talk about Mari and that she died but to really get into her loss and how hard it really is is something very personal.  It is hard to explain but I do not feel comfortable doing this with people I just met today.  However, they were sweethearts and wonderful about everything.  I know only God knows what will come of all of this and why he has me here this weekend but I am sure it will show its head very soon.

****

I sit here thinking about what the world has in store for me today.  For me, I hope it is not a day like yesterday all filled with tears, tears and more tears (it seemed anyway).  I just want to enjoy myself today.  I am looking forward to getting to know some of the other women.  I guess deep down inside I hope I do come out with some friends.  I know some are saying they want to be my friend but once we leave here we will see if that really happens.

I have always had a hard time making those honest to goodness true friends.  I am talking about people whom you trust in all things (or almost all things).  In other words, people I can talk to just about anything I need or want to.  People who are truly there for me when it is the hardest.  People who will not tell me that their own problems are just too much in a situation like the death of my daughter.  People who realize that sometimes even if your life may not be going perfectly that you need to realize that, me, your friend needs you to just simply be there for me in my worst.

One of my very dearest friends before Mari had been so important to me that even through her divorce and when she moved away, I was always there for her.  I was always very honest with her.  She was like a sister to me.  I loved her so much.  Then my daughter passes away and I do not receive one call unless I called her first and then I would get a call back.  I didn’t even get a card.  When I finally wrote her a message on a social network her response to me is that she had this and this and this going on in her life.  So basically she just did not have the time of day to just be there for me.  For me, this person just ended up being so incredibly selfish as I really needed her.  What I realized is that our friendship was really more of a one way street instead of two.  I guess God was showing me during that worst time in my life whom were really my friends and those that had just been pretending to be.  To be honest, it hurts even after all this time.  I still think about this woman and wish she was my friend now.  It is just sad how you learn sometimes when a “friend” really isn’t a friend and probably could never truly be the friend you were hoping for or needing.

Well, I sit here getting ready to eat some breakfast and getting ready for another day.  I hope I learn a lot and that God puts on my heart what he wants me to learn and take from the little retreat away in the either Smoky Mountains or Cumberland Gap.

****

It has been a good weekend overall.  A lot of tears but it is good to get them out.  We all leave tomorrow to head back home.  I got to get to know some pretty great people while here.  My sincerest hope is that this will continue once we get back home. 

I think I need to do some type of fundraiser to raise the funds I need to get Mari’s book edited.  I am really excited by how the book is coming and how close I am to being done with it.

Well, it is late so I am signing off for now.

Keith and I have been attending our new church.  We have really been enjoying it.

The church has a women’s retreat that happens to be this very weekend.  We left this morning around 9:30am and finally arrived in Tennessee around 5:45pm.  I drove one of the other women’s Suburban.  Man, that was truly a long drive and my derrière was so incredibly happy once we finally got here (I think it may have even been secretly dancing).

I went upstairs and found my room.  This cabin is really nice and it will be nice to get to know . . . → Click Here To Read More: Women’s Retreat first entry]]>

Keith and I have been attending our new church.  We have really been enjoying it.

The church has a women’s retreat that happens to be this very weekend.  We left this morning around 9:30am and finally arrived in Tennessee around 5:45pm.  I drove one of the other women’s Suburban.  Man, that was truly a long drive and my derrière was so incredibly happy once we finally got here (I think it may have even been secretly dancing).

I went upstairs and found my room.  This cabin is really nice and it will be nice to get to know some of the other women in the church.

On the beds in our room was our name badge that we are to wear around our neck for the weekend, a bag of different goodies like tissues, and a book that we will be using for the weekend.  There was an itinerary on top of the book that we will be following for the weekend.  At the top it said to go to the story on page 29.  So I did.  I was pre-warned by other ladies that it would be a tear jerker.  I said it can’t be much worse than the loss of losing Mari.  Well, I was right in that it could not be worse.  However, I was wrong in that the story was similar to mine in that the woman who wrote it had too lost a child.  Her baby to be precise who was only two and half hours old when she passed.  I knew exactly what this mom had felt as she was holding her new little baby and she passed away in her arms.  I had been there.  My heart ached for both her and Mari.  It did bring me to tears.  What a way to start a weekend.  Well, I know God has me here for a reason and I am sure it will be shown to me as the weekend progresses.

It feels good to be here and I will try to keep everyone updated as to how it goes.

Mari, know I love you oh so much and miss you every single day.  Love, Mommy

I sit here at work on my lunch thinking about my upcoming afternoon.  I am anxious because of what I must do.  I have an appointment at 3pm with a security investigator to get my security clearance.  I have to get this for the tentative job I was offered as a government service worker on Fort Knox as a GS-5.  I am excited about the new job because I will get to be an administrative assistant again and I will get to quit Wal-Mart.

I have been a department manager at Wal-Mart for the past 6 months.  There . . . → Click Here To Read More: The Waiting Game]]>

I sit here at work on my lunch thinking about my upcoming afternoon.  I am anxious because of what I must do.  I have an appointment at 3pm with a security investigator to get my security clearance.  I have to get this for the tentative job I was offered as a government service worker on Fort Knox as a GS-5.  I am excited about the new job because I will get to be an administrative assistant again and I will get to quit Wal-Mart.

I have been a department manager at Wal-Mart for the past 6 months.  There have been a few times where I really enjoyed it but for the most part I have been very unhappy.  There are just never enough hours or enough people to be able to do my job correctly.  It makes it so you just do not look forward to going to work.

I cannot wait until the clearance is approved as far as an interim goes so that I can start my new job as soon as possible.  I am sure I will have my bad days but I know it has to be better than this. J

Mari book is finally done, or at least written I should say.  Now starts the editing process.  It seems I could go through the book 100 times and find something wrong each and every time.  However, to have it really edited so it a great book, I know I need to go to a professional editor to have that done.  So I went searching singing all the way, “A searching we will go, a searching we will go, hi ho the search-e-o, a searching we will go.”

I did a Google search and ended up coming across this . . . → Click Here To Read More: Mari’s Book is Done]]>

Mari book is finally done, or at least written I should say.  Now starts the editing process.  It seems I could go through the book 100 times and find something wrong each and every time.  However, to have it really edited so it a great book, I know I need to go to a professional editor to have that done.  So I went searching singing all the way, “A searching we will go, a searching we will go, hi ho the search-e-o, a searching we will go.”

I did a Google search and ended up coming across this website that is basically a referral service to free lance writers.  I ultimately received three responses from my inquiry.  The first one was from this guy.  I don’t think he even took the time to read through my sample that I sent.  Then the email he sent was basically a form letter and quoted me 6 cents per word to edit it.  I was like, “YEAH RIGHT!”  I mean, if he couldn’t even give me the proper time of day except to go through his credentials and basically send the same type of email to all prospective clients then I knew he was not the person I would go with.

The third email was better than the first as she actually address some of my book but it still did not feel very personal.  However, she was charging only 2 cents per word which was a far cry better than the other guy at six.

Now, you may have noticed that I skipped over the second email.  I did that because of the email she sent.  Here is what she wrote:

Dear Kristena,

I wanted to let you know immediately that I just received your materials.

Thanks so much for contacting our editors. 

I’m on your website right now, listening to the song — and weeping at the first glance of your beautiful daughter.

I can’t begin to express my sympathy. I know all too well what grief is, having lost my sister, who was my best friend.

As an author too, I have been writing about her in one way or another for many years. It helps it helps it helps.

But I do not think for a moment I know a mother’s grief. It is remarkable to me that you have done so much already.

Please allow me to look at your sample and get back to you soonest with my thoughts on Through Her Eyes.

For me this was like, “WOW!”  I felt connected right away.  I wrote back saying I was looking forward to hearing back from her.