For obvious reasons, Jesus dying on the cross is number one as we need to do all we can as mothers to make sure our children spend an eternity in heaven. . . . → Click Here To Read More: What does it mean to nurture?]]> When God created women, He knew well beforehand that they would become mothers. I have no doubt in my mind He had a long list of what a mother’s qualities and characteristics not only would be but needed to be. Those included loving and show unconditional love, compassionate, friendly, unselfish, kind, patience, teaching their children right and wrong as well as God and how Jesus died on the cross.

For obvious reasons, Jesus dying on the cross is number one as we need to do all we can as mothers to make sure our children spend an eternity in heaven. The child will make the ultimate decision but we must at least show them the way. The one is giving unconditional love. We must always love our children no matter what they might do because they are our gifts given to us for a short time from God.

After those two, I have no doubt He decided the next most important quality a mom needed to have was the ability to nurture her children. So what does nurture mean exactly? Well I went to dictionary.com and here is what they had:

verb (used with object)
1. to feed and protect: to nurture one’s offspring.
2. to support and encourage, as during the period of training or development; foster: to nurture promising musicians.
3. to bring up; train; educate.
noun
4. rearing, upbringing, training, education, or the like.
5. development: the nurture of young artists.
6. something that nourishes; nourishment; food.

Nurturing encompasses so much. We, as mothers, must do all the other qualities I named before. It is to raise our children in a loving way. We are to always be there for them, even if we don’t agree with what they are doing but simply tell them we love them. We are to make sure they are fed properly and given not only enough clothes but appropriate clothes to wear. We need to make sure our children are educated so that one day they can grow up and be responsible adult in both their finances as well as in the work place or being a stay-at-home mom or dad. As a mom, or dad for that matter, we need to be good role models as to how they should be once they, themselves, become moms and dads.

By doing all of this we then nurture our children. My sincerest hope is that I was able to nurture Mari the way I needed to. I feel in my heart I did the best I could. She was the pride and joy of my life for eight and half years and she continues to be even in death through her spirit.

I have to take what I learned from nurturing my beautiful little baby girl and now do this with my niece and nephew as my husband and I raise them to one day be adults. To nurture truly means to love unconditionally just like our Father in heaven did for us by sending His only Son to die on the cross for our sins.

I look at Mari’s death in a whole new light. It’ll be four years on July 16 (Really, four years already!). Through my grief journey I’ve been able to find something that brings me pure happiness. I’ve been able to meet new and encouraging people . . . → Click Here To Read More: Happiness]]> I’m sometimes amazed at the power of God. He put writing into my life and has blessed me as a result. Something that started out as a way to deal with my grief and share those feelings with my friends and family so they knew where I was at has turned into so much more.

I look at Mari’s death in a whole new light. It’ll be four years on July 16 (Really, four years already!). Through my grief journey I’ve been able to find something that brings me pure happiness. I’ve been able to meet new and encouraging people along my journey. I’ve been encouraged along this road and I’m a better person as a result.

It’s funny how our brains truly can’t comprehend the bigger picture but we know God does. He knows why He does what He does. Mari’s death was devastating to so many of us. It completely blindsided us. The road became unbearable at times.

Yet, there was a small minuscule light at the end of the tunnel. I couldn’t see it with my bare eye. I would need a microscope to see it but it was there. That light was and still is Jesus. He was guiding me, bring me through, the death of my daughter. As time passed the light slowly but surely got bigger.

At first, I could see the light growing only because the grief was so deep, so acute. It felt like my heart had been torn open. I know it may not make sense but my heart physically hurt at times. I would put my hand over my heart and just hold it there because it actually hurt. I hurt for my daughter so much.

That first year the light could finally be seen at the end of the tunnel. However, it was a small pin drop. I had to squint to see it.

Now the light fully encompasses my body. I’m at a place where I can finally see the good things that have come out of Mari going to heaven.

Yes, I miss her terribly and would give anything to have her back. Yet, if she were still here I wouldn’t be able to touch the lives that I do. So her death became a blessing in my life like I could have never expected.

I thank the Lord for the gift He has given me in my writing. I thank all the people who follow Mari’s site.

I think back to how I began writing. It was to keep my friends and family abreast of what was happening to my little baby girl. I started a Care Page. Those first fifteen days of writing were while she was a live and the last day, the day she . . . → Click Here To Read More: Joy]]> Joy can mean so much to so many different people. For me I felt pure joy last night. I spent the day determined to write write write in the fictional book I am writing. I actually wrote 8,472 words and finished the first draft of my novel. Talk about exciting.

I think back to how I began writing. It was to keep my friends and family abreast of what was happening to my little baby girl. I started a Care Page. Those first fifteen days of writing were while she was a live and the last day, the day she died, was written within a few days of her passing. It took me three days to write with tears pouring out of my eyes. I can remember my husband Keith telling me to stop and come back later to finish it. I told him no. The memories were still fresh in my mind. It was important for me to remember as much as I could. Memories fade slowly but surely after time. I needed to get them all written down before I forgot something.

At the time my writing did not bring me pure joy and happiness. It brought about heartache, sadness and despair. I was able to use my writing as a tool. It helped me in a time in my life when most other things couldn’t. My writing helped me with my grief. I was able to hash out so much through it.

As a result, my writing has slowly transformed. I started my first ever attempt at something completely 100% fiction. It all came from my lil’ ol’ head. Amazing. I never in a million years thought I could do something like this.

Now my writing brings me pure joy. God has given me a gift. I keep being told by those who are critiquing my work that I am writing about a hard subject. For me it is not as hard. I can tap into those emotions of losing Mari and use them in my writing. I can show the reader feelings they may never understand.

So for me, I have found joy in writing. I have found something that makes me happy. And the kewl part is I get to share it with you.

With today technology age and the Smart Phone, there are so many kewl things you can do. Well, I have the iPhone 4. I started with the 3g. I love my phone other than the keyboard is a touch screen instead of an actually keyboard. I mess up texting more times than I can count because I can’t actually touch the screen.

Back to the reason I bring up my phone. As they say, “There’s an app for that.” Yes, there is an app that is . . . → Click Here To Read More: You just never know…]]> Well, I took a pregnancy test today. Now, before you get excited, it was negative.

With today technology age and the Smart Phone, there are so many kewl things you can do. Well, I have the iPhone 4. I started with the 3g. I love my phone other than the keyboard is a touch screen instead of an actually keyboard. I mess up texting more times than I can count because I can’t actually touch the screen.

Back to the reason I bring up my phone. As they say, “There’s an app for that.” Yes, there is an app that is called “iPeriod” to help women keep track of their time of the month. I won’t go into details for those men out there how are simply not interested. However, the best part of this app is keep account of every single one since I started using the app back May 29, 2009. It averages out your period to give you an anticipated day your next one will come.

Well, I have never been one of those women that when twenty-eight days comes along and I have missed one that I know I am pregnant or something is wrong. Mine has always fluctuated.

I figured this past weekend it was going to start so I brought lots of “stuff” with me to the women’s retreat to be prepared. Well, it never came. By Monday night I decided to check the app. It said I was 4 or 5 days late at that time. Checking my past history, I have gone anywhere from 26 days all the way to 35 days in between. Well, today I have 37 days in between. I decided to buy a pregnancy test to see if it could possibly be.

Keith and I have infertility issues. The likelihood of me getting pregnant is like me being able to walk up to the White House and asking to see the President and the Security Guard says, “Sure, go on in.” In other words, slim to none.

I know it only takes one. From a medical stand point it just can’t happen. However, God granted us Mariana. We had the same issues as we have now, only they have gotten worse since then. But I know if God wanted us to have a baby he would make it happen. I am thankful for the two kids we are now raising that He has put in our lives. They are two very special kids and they just pull at your heart strings. It is interesting how things work out.

For some it is really easy to answer. To those looking from the outside it looks like they have truly had a blessed life. A life filled with hope and happiness and no terrible tragedy to speak of. People who have died have done so because they have gotten older.

But for so many this is not the case. I look at the tornadoesthat came crashing through towns the other day and . . . → Click Here To Read More: What do we have to be thankful for?]]> I know that this question is not normally asked at this time year. We always attribute it to Thanksgiving Day. But shouldn’t we always be asking ourselves this?

For some it is really easy to answer. To those looking from the outside it looks like they have truly had a blessed life. A life filled with hope and happiness and no terrible tragedy to speak of. People who have died have done so because they have gotten older.

But for so many this is not the case. I look at the tornadoesthat came crashing through towns the other day and completely obliterating them as they were in its path. You think not only of all the people who died as a result but all the destruction left behind.

Then I think of our beloved Mari. Her sudden illness which ultimately took her life rocked our worlds upside down. We were left with the destruction this illness brought about. Her death still affects us. Anyone who knew her it has affected them somehow.

It’s amazing what tragedy can do to someone. It kind of reminds me of a tornado. It comes out of no where, barrels down it’s path laying waste to all it’s left behind and then just disappears just as quickly as it came. Unfortunately, the destruction is still left behind in the wake.

The deep hole that has been left by the loss of Mari goes deep. It will always be there. However, through this tragedy we become stronger. We become who God wants us to be as we are all a part of His plan.

People sometimes don’t understand how God could allow such awful things to happen. I, myself, don’t always understand. I mean, I still don’t understand His logic for bringing her home when He did. However, we have to remember He has a plan. A plan that is much bigger, so much greater than we could ever possibly understand. We could ever possibly comprehend. I always say, “More than my little pea brain could grasp.”

I may not understand in this lifetime but I know in my heart God knows best. He knows me and what my body, my mind, my emotional stability can truly handle.

What we have to remember is we simply cannot do this on our own. You have to learn to completely, 100% lean on Him. Have Him be your rock, your solid foundation.

I know I would not be where I am today if I didn’t have Jesus in my life. So back to my original question, “What do we have to bethankful for?” Well, for me it is obvious. I have a relationship with Christ. He is guiding me and protecting and I am continue living each day. He knows when I am missing Mari the most and I am thankful He lifts me up and protects me in the most important times.

So what about you? What are you thankful for?

I remember sitting in my high school English class and being just a “C” student. It was hard for me. To get into college I couldn’t even test into English 101. I would have had to go three below and start with English 097. I mean, you really can’t much lower. So for years I have always thought of myself as a terrible writer and that my English writing sucked.

By the time I was around 22 or 23 years old I was actually able to . . . → Click Here To Read More: Becoming a Writer]]> What has writing done for me? Well more than I ever thought even possible.

I remember sitting in my high school English class and being just a “C” student. It was hard for me. To get into college I couldn’t even test into English 101. I would have had to go three below and start with English 097. I mean, you really can’t much lower. So for years I have always thought of myself as a terrible writer and that my English writing sucked.

By the time I was around 22 or 23 years old I was actually able to test directly into 101. Don’t ask me how I did it because I hadn’t had any more education. I guess in that short time I had somehow magically matured in this area (just don’t ask me how).

Then one day my beautiful daughter who had been full of life contracts E. coli. Little did I know that first day that my life was about to change forever. It was through that tragic event I started a simple little daily journal that I shared with family and friends to let them know what was happening to her at the time. When I started to receive comments like, “Wow, Kristena you are such a good writer” or “I felt like I was there because of what you wrote,” I was kind of shocked. For anyone to call me a “writer” I just thought they were nuts. But you know the old saying that when you start to hear something over and over again, whether positive or negative, you start to believe it.

This actually got me to thinking about possibly writing a book about her life. At the time I still had hope she would live and wouldn’t it have been awesome to have a story that was so bad turn out to have a happy ending. Unfortunately, God didn’t intend it to be the happy ending we were all hoping for and he took her home. For obvious reason, none of us are happy that Mari is now in heaven.

However, there is a happy ending to this story after all. It has been through that terrible tragedy that God has finally shown me what He wants me to do with my life. He wants me to become a writer. He has shown me I have natural talent. Yes, I have a long way to go before I will have a published book as I have a lot to learn still about this craft but it feels good inside to know that this has been God’s plan for me all along.

My life has felt like a tumultuous mess throughout the years. God has allowed it to happen. I always wondered why. Maybe it was so that when He showed me that I am a writer I would be just that much better for it. It would help me to better understand what I need to do and how to move forward. Isn’t it just awesome when things like this happen in our lives?

On July 15 Keith and I headed to Chicago to be with Mari (so to speak) on her 3 year mark of being gone.  July 16 was officially 3 years and we spent some time at her grave.  It is hard to believe that 3 years . . . → Click Here To Read More: Changes in life…]]> First let me start off by saying long time no talk.  I am sorry I have been gone for a while.  A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted anything on Mari’s website.  I look back at the date of June 23 and it seems like a lifetime ago.

On July 15 Keith and I headed to Chicago to be with Mari (so to speak) on her 3 year mark of being gone.  July 16 was officially 3 years and we spent some time at her grave.  It is hard to believe that 3 years have already come and gone but they have.  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we were in the hospital watching her slip away in front of us.

Then we had our 15 year old niece Crysta and our 6 year old nephew Trevin (they are cousins) fly out for a visit.  Crysta comes out every summer and this would be the first time Trevin not only came to visit with us but to even fly on a plane.  What ended up starting out as a visit with our nephew turned into him coming to permanently live with us, for at minimum, the school year.  And to top it all off we also flew out our 7 year old niece Athena to come and live with us as well.  Crysta flew out on my birthday and Athena came to live.

Keith and I went from being just the two of us and having the freedom to do what we wanted or needed to do to now having two young children to take care of.  It is a shock to the system so to speak.  To say it has been interesting I don’t think can quite describe the past 4 months.

I guess the question you might be asking is do you think it was good for us.  I can say without a shadow of doubt that absolutely yes.  Keith and I needed something like this in our lives.  It forces the issue of not just thinking about Mari.  We now have two children to take care of.  I think of them as our own kids.  It treat them as if they are our own kids.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been a very hard adjustment in that Trevin has pretty severe ADHD.  It is really hard for him to concentrate and sit still.  He also has speech issues.  Neither of these things have ever been dealt with by my brother or the mom.  But the abuse that both of these two little ones have had to face in their short lifetime is completely inexcusable. 

We have had both Trevin and Athena tested for ADD/ADHD and learning disabilities.  What was great to find out is just how smart these two are.   Trevin’s IQ is good at about 105 (I think) and Athena’s is 127.  Both of them have such high potential.  I can see such a bright future for them. 

However, the abuse is going to be a hard road for the two of them.  If we just raise our voice to loud they become scared to death that we are going to hit them (and when I say hit I mean beat the crap out of them).  Scared doesn’t even quite describe how scared these kids are.  You can see in their faces they are literally petrified of being hit.  Your heart just melts when you see it as you just feel for them.

Trevin has issues with lying about everything, especially in the beginning.  He is slowly but surely getting better but I still know it is a long road ahead.  Athena always tries to manipulate the situation to her advantage.

Even through all of this, I know Keith and I are really helping these two to be able to have a better life as they grow up.  They have stability for the first time in their lives.  Trevin is now in a basketball league and Athena is cheerleader for his team.  They are both excited to be doing this.

They have clothes that actually fit them and are now appropriate.  Trevin actually has underwear to wear now.

I think the kids are happy and Trevin has even told me he wants to live with us permanently.  I think it is really sweet. 

It seems like when Keith and I are finally doing good in our marriage something else always seems to creep in to put a strain on it.  This has been a rough adjustment.  I mean we have literally been thrown into parenthood.  Being Mari’s mom and dad was completely different than being a parent to your typical, average children.  Mari had severe autism.  It just doesn’t even compare one to the other.  So as you can probably imagine we have different parenting techniques that we have had to try to implement quickly.  I mean, we didn’t even know what would be the right time to put the kids to bed for the night (we decided on 8pm).

Through it all it has been good for Keith and I.  I know God has a plan for us and it will be interesting to see how everything continues to unfold.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just . . . → Click Here To Read More: Keith’s 40th]]> Today is Keith’s 40^th birthday.  He starts a new generation today.  The last generation has had some of the biggest bumps and bruises he’s had in his life.  Those bumps and bruises have slowly been healing but they will never go away.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just have to keep moving along the path.  What lies ahead is uncertain but in the end it will all be ok and be the way it’s supposed to be.

So I say again, “It is what it is.”

2 Samuel 12:15-23

15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[a] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the child died. . . . → Click Here To Read More: Seeing Mari again]]> I want to share a passage of the Bible that was recently shown to me:

2 Samuel 12:15-23

¹⁵ After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. ¹⁶ David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth^[a] on the ground. ¹⁷ The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

¹⁸ On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

So why have I shared this passage from the Bible.  I hope it is obvious, but just in case, let me explain.

The last part of verse 22 is so important.  “Can I bring [Mari] back again?”  No I can’t.  No one can.  “I will go to [her], but [she] will not return to me”  In other words, I am a born again believer.  I have accepted Christ into my heart and life so my eternity is in heaven as this is where one day I will get the awesome opportunity to go and be with her again.

This gives me the peace I have been searching for.

January 15, 2011

I forgot to mention one thing in the above message.  When my pastor asked me to go to 2 Samuel Chapter 12, when I opened my Bible, I opened up directly to 2 Samuel Chapter 12.  Need I say more.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows more than . . . → Click Here To Read More: Writing through tragedy]]> Recently things have been good.  I have not been overly sad.  I mean, I miss Mari but I am doing good.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows more than I ever could.  He has an ultimate purpose.  Everything happens for a reason.

I know out of this tragedy I started to write.  I am not really sure this would have ever happened otherwise.  So thank you Lord for giving me this gift and that I am able to share my writing with others.

Some people may think it strange to write out your thoughts and feelings and then sharing them on a website on the internet for all to read.  Some people may not understand how this is an outlet for me to cope and deal with my grief. Or that by sharing my writing with people it may help someone out there I would have never been able to touch otherwise.  But to be honest, it doesn’t matter if makes sense to anyone else.  All that matters is that I know it helps me and by writing it all down I am then able to help others who are not able to put their thoughts and feelings into words.  They can relate to what I am writing.  I think that is what has touched me the most in that a few words I write may actually help someone else out there I probably will never get the chance to meet.

Life has a way of surprising you and bringing things into your life you may have never given a second chance before.

Thank you Lord for showing me this gift of writing through the worst tragedy of my life.  Just thank you.