First let me start off by saying long time no talk.  I am sorry I have been gone for a while.  A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted anything on Mari’s website.  I look back at the date of June 23 and it seems like a lifetime ago.

On July 15 Keith and I headed to Chicago to be with Mari (so to speak) on her 3 year mark of being gone.  July 16 was officially 3 years and we spent some time at her grave.  It is hard to believe that . . . → Click Here To Read More: Changes in life…]]>

First let me start off by saying long time no talk.  I am sorry I have been gone for a while.  A lot has happened in my life since the last time I posted anything on Mari’s website.  I look back at the date of June 23 and it seems like a lifetime ago.

On July 15 Keith and I headed to Chicago to be with Mari (so to speak) on her 3 year mark of being gone.  July 16 was officially 3 years and we spent some time at her grave.  It is hard to believe that 3 years have already come and gone but they have.  Sometimes it feels like just yesterday that we were in the hospital watching her slip away in front of us.

Then we had our 15 year old niece Crysta and our 6 year old nephew Trevin (they are cousins) fly out for a visit.  Crysta comes out every summer and this would be the first time Trevin not only came to visit with us but to even fly on a plane.  What ended up starting out as a visit with our nephew turned into him coming to permanently live with us, for at minimum, the school year.  And to top it all off we also flew out our 7 year old niece Athena to come and live with us as well.  Crysta flew out on my birthday and Athena came to live.

Keith and I went from being just the two of us and having the freedom to do what we wanted or needed to do to now having two young children to take care of.  It is a shock to the system so to speak.  To say it has been interesting I don’t think can quite describe the past 4 months.

I guess the question you might be asking is do you think it was good for us.  I can say without a shadow of doubt that absolutely yes.  Keith and I needed something like this in our lives.  It forces the issue of not just thinking about Mari.  We now have two children to take care of.  I think of them as our own kids.  It treat them as if they are our own kids.

Don’t get me wrong, it has been a very hard adjustment in that Trevin has pretty severe ADHD.  It is really hard for him to concentrate and sit still.  He also has speech issues.  Neither of these things have ever been dealt with by my brother or the mom.  But the abuse that both of these two little ones have had to face in their short lifetime is completely inexcusable. 

We have had both Trevin and Athena tested for ADD/ADHD and learning disabilities.  What was great to find out is just how smart these two are.   Trevin’s IQ is good at about 105 (I think) and Athena’s is 127.  Both of them have such high potential.  I can see such a bright future for them. 

However, the abuse is going to be a hard road for the two of them.  If we just raise our voice to loud they become scared to death that we are going to hit them (and when I say hit I mean beat the crap out of them).  Scared doesn’t even quite describe how scared these kids are.  You can see in their faces they are literally petrified of being hit.  Your heart just melts when you see it as you just feel for them.

Trevin has issues with lying about everything, especially in the beginning.  He is slowly but surely getting better but I still know it is a long road ahead.  Athena always tries to manipulate the situation to her advantage.

Even through all of this, I know Keith and I are really helping these two to be able to have a better life as they grow up.  They have stability for the first time in their lives.  Trevin is now in a basketball league and Athena is cheerleader for his team.  They are both excited to be doing this.

They have clothes that actually fit them and are now appropriate.  Trevin actually has underwear to wear now.

I think the kids are happy and Trevin has even told me he wants to live with us permanently.  I think it is really sweet. 

It seems like when Keith and I are finally doing good in our marriage something else always seems to creep in to put a strain on it.  This has been a rough adjustment.  I mean we have literally been thrown into parenthood.  Being Mari’s mom and dad was completely different than being a parent to your typical, average children.  Mari had severe autism.  It just doesn’t even compare one to the other.  So as you can probably imagine we have different parenting techniques that we have had to try to implement quickly.  I mean, we didn’t even know what would be the right time to put the kids to bed for the night (we decided on 8pm).

Through it all it has been good for Keith and I.  I know God has a plan for us and it will be interesting to see how everything continues to unfold.

Today is Keith’s 40th birthday.  He starts a new generation today.  The last generation has had some of the biggest bumps and bruises he’s had in his life.  Those bumps and bruises have slowly been healing but they will never go away.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, . . . → Click Here To Read More: Keith’s 40th]]>

Today is Keith’s 40^th birthday.  He starts a new generation today.  The last generation has had some of the biggest bumps and bruises he’s had in his life.  Those bumps and bruises have slowly been healing but they will never go away.

We both continue to live our lives on a path neither one could have expected or wanted yet here we both are anyway.  I like to tell people, “It is what it is.”  What I mean by this is can I do anything about the path that has been laid before me?  No I can’t.  However, I just have to keep moving along the path.  What lies ahead is uncertain but in the end it will all be ok and be the way it’s supposed to be.

So I say again, “It is what it is.”

I want to share a passage of the Bible that was recently shown to me:

2 Samuel 12:15-23

15 After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. 16 David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth[a] on the ground. 17 The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

18 On the seventh day the . . . → Click Here To Read More: Seeing Mari again]]>

I want to share a passage of the Bible that was recently shown to me:

2 Samuel 12:15-23

¹⁵ After Nathan had gone home, the LORD struck the child that Uriah’s wife had borne to David, and he became ill. ¹⁶ David pleaded with God for the child. He fasted and spent the nights lying in sackcloth^[a] on the ground. ¹⁷ The elders of his household stood beside him to get him up from the ground, but he refused, and he would not eat any food with them.

¹⁸ On the seventh day the child died. David’s attendants were afraid to tell him that the child was dead, for they thought, “While the child was still living, he wouldn’t listen to us when we spoke to him. How can we now tell him the child is dead? He may do something desperate.”

¹⁹ David noticed that his attendants were whispering among themselves, and he realized the child was dead. “Is the child dead?” he asked.

“Yes,” they replied, “he is dead.”

²⁰ Then David got up from the ground. After he had washed, put on lotions and changed his clothes, he went into the house of the LORD and worshiped. Then he went to his own house, and at his request they served him food, and he ate.

²¹ His attendants asked him, “Why are you acting this way? While the child was alive, you fasted and wept, but now that the child is dead, you get up and eat!”

²² He answered, “While the child was still alive, I fasted and wept. I thought, ‘Who knows? The LORD may be gracious to me and let the child live.’ ²³ But now that he is dead, why should I go on fasting? Can I bring him back again? I will go to him, but he will not return to me.”

So why have I shared this passage from the Bible.  I hope it is obvious, but just in case, let me explain.

The last part of verse 22 is so important.  “Can I bring [Mari] back again?”  No I can’t.  No one can.  “I will go to [her], but [she] will not return to me”  In other words, I am a born again believer.  I have accepted Christ into my heart and life so my eternity is in heaven as this is where one day I will get the awesome opportunity to go and be with her again.

This gives me the peace I have been searching for.

January 15, 2011

I forgot to mention one thing in the above message.  When my pastor asked me to go to 2 Samuel Chapter 12, when I opened my Bible, I opened up directly to 2 Samuel Chapter 12.  Need I say more.

Recently things have been good.  I have not been overly sad.  I mean, I miss Mari but I am doing good.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows . . . → Click Here To Read More: Writing through tragedy]]>

Recently things have been good.  I have not been overly sad.  I mean, I miss Mari but I am doing good.

I sit here in church again.  I am glad we have started going to church on a regular basis.  It is important for the two of us and our marriage.  My hope is it only makes us stronger and helps us to get through the loss of Mari.  I know through God anything can happen.

I know some people might say, “How could you believe in a God who would do this?”  My response is God knows more than I ever could.  He has an ultimate purpose.  Everything happens for a reason.

I know out of this tragedy I started to write.  I am not really sure this would have ever happened otherwise.  So thank you Lord for giving me this gift and that I am able to share my writing with others.

Some people may think it strange to write out your thoughts and feelings and then sharing them on a website on the internet for all to read.  Some people may not understand how this is an outlet for me to cope and deal with my grief. Or that by sharing my writing with people it may help someone out there I would have never been able to touch otherwise.  But to be honest, it doesn’t matter if makes sense to anyone else.  All that matters is that I know it helps me and by writing it all down I am then able to help others who are not able to put their thoughts and feelings into words.  They can relate to what I am writing.  I think that is what has touched me the most in that a few words I write may actually help someone else out there I probably will never get the chance to meet.

Life has a way of surprising you and bringing things into your life you may have never given a second chance before.

Thank you Lord for showing me this gift of writing through the worst tragedy of my life.  Just thank you.



January 2

I sit here in church service.  Right away they start by singing.  The tears start to well up and I have to leave.  I still have a hard time just being able to sing in church.  It is so hard for me.  Somehow it just makes me miss Mari all the more.  She would always love the singing portion of church service.  She would sing in her own special way.  She would sometimes flap her arms in excitement.  She truly loved the singing.  I think I just truly miss that with her not here now.

Maybe . . . → Click Here To Read More: Singing…]]>

January 2

I sit here in church service.  Right away they start by singing.  The tears start to well up and I have to leave.  I still have a hard time just being able to sing in church.  It is so hard for me.  Somehow it just makes me miss Mari all the more.  She would always love the singing portion of church service.  She would sing in her own special way.  She would sometimes flap her arms in excitement.  She truly loved the singing.  I think I just truly miss that with her not here now.

Maybe in her own way looking down on us from heaven, she is still with us, flapping her arms listening to the praising being sang to God right now.  It brings a smile to me.

I love you baby girl and miss you very much.

December 14, 2010

Love.  Love has its own special magic.  When all else fails, you still have love.  There are some people who have not been lucky enough to truly experience the love you receive from your life partner.

I feel like I am one of the lucky ones.  I met Keith when I was only 19 years old.  Our first impression of one another was, let’s just say, not that great.  So it wasn’t love at first sight.  Personally, I have never experienced that but sometimes you just don’t need to.

The second time we met started . . . → Click Here To Read More: The magic of love]]>

December 14, 2010

Love.  Love has its own special magic.  When all else fails, you still have love.  There are some people who have not been lucky enough to truly experience the love you receive from your life partner.

I feel like I am one of the lucky ones.  I met Keith when I was only 19 years old.  Our first impression of one another was, let’s just say, not that great.  So it wasn’t love at first sight.  Personally, I have never experienced that but sometimes you just don’t need to.

The second time we met started our friendship.  At this point, still no sparks but that’s ok.  Friendships are special when you find the right people to have them with.

Most people today say they have friends but in reality they are more like acquaintances.  To me a true friend is someone who will not only be there when times are good but also when there seems to be nothing but the bad going on in your life.

So this is how Keith and I started off was as friends.  We started to hang out almost every day after work and on the weekends.  We were both in the Army and his barracks were across from mine.

For me, Keith was nothing of what my ideal “love you forever,” “never leave you” mate.  Besides the fact I had a boyfriend at the time.  But, relationships don’t always go as you think they will.  They can devastate you, make you a better person, and sometimes they simply surprise you.

After about a month of seeing each other almost every day and having a friendship with this guy so unexpected, somehow things change from wanting to be just friends to so much more.  I had always heard that one of the best ways to start a relationship was to be friends first.  I can say without a doubt that being friends with Keith first enabled me to be like Paul from the Bible and have the scales removed from my eyes to see the wonderful, loving man that stood before me whereas if I had never become friends first, I would never have given him a chance.

So what had turned from friendship into a relationship and then eventually to love, has brought us years of ups and downs.  We had only been together for 7 months when we got married.  We didn’t have a big ol’ fancy wedding.  Just the JP and 3 friends that came with us.  I was only 20 years old at the time with our lives ahead of us.  Who was to know what lie down that road.  If we had we probably would have never taken it.  But this is why God knows so much and we only live in the here and now.

Love is ultimately what holds the marriage together.  However, you also need trust and communication.  Love won’t keep a marriage together if one or both of these is missing.  However, love is what ultimately makes you fight for it.  Love is a very precious gift.

Keith and I have been through so many hard things that many marriages typically fall apart far.  Somehow, we make it through and ultimately it is our love for each other that brings us through.  So we have been lucky enough to experience the magic.  I hope you have too.

December 7, 2010

Can you imagine loving to play a game so much that you allow yourself to stay up later than you should because you have to go to work the next day.  Well, Keith and I both love playing the same game and we stay up way too late.

Last night was another one of those nights.  We finally got to bed about 11:30pm.  Then we sat talking for a few minutes.  I think we both finally headed off to never-never land around midnight.

This morning when I woke up I was more tired than I . . . → Click Here To Read More: Playing Games]]>

December 7, 2010

Can you imagine loving to play a game so much that you allow yourself to stay up later than you should because you have to go to work the next day.  Well, Keith and I both love playing the same game and we stay up way too late.

Last night was another one of those nights.  We finally got to bed about 11:30pm.  Then we sat talking for a few minutes.  I think we both finally headed off to never-never land around midnight.

This morning when I woke up I was more tired than I could have imagined.  I took a shower and this didn’t help to wake me up.  I sit here now at lunch just so tired.  All I want to do is lay my head down and take a little hap.  I won’t but it would still be nice.  Hopefully I have learned my lesson.

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that talks about “Out of these ashes beauty will rise.”  The ashes represent the tragedy his family endured the day their daughter Maria died.  The “beauty [that] will rise” is representative of God’s grace and love that even though something as terrible as losing a child, God is still there through it all.  He is seeing you through.

I can say I do love this song and the hope it brings.  However, my life doesn’t seem to have found the Beauty of it all.  I still have yet to feel this hope.  . . . → Click Here To Read More: “Out of these ashes beauty will rise”]]>

Steven Curtis Chapman has a song that talks about “Out of these ashes beauty will rise.”  The ashes represent the tragedy his family endured the day their daughter Maria died.  The “beauty [that] will rise” is representative of God’s grace and love that even though something as terrible as losing a child, God is still there through it all.  He is seeing you through.

I can say I do love this song and the hope it brings.  However, my life doesn’t seem to have found the Beauty of it all.  I still have yet to feel this hope.  I mean, I know God is out there taking care of us.  I know he loves us but the pain and sorrow I have for losing Mari is so great.  I seem to miss her more and more all the time.

I would love to be able to meet Steven and his wife Mary Beth someday to ask them how they have truly been able to make it through.  Just to watch people from the outside is not a sign of how they are actually getting through.  You tend to keep your grief to yourself.  Even when it comes to your spouse, you grieve differently.  You might have a great marriage before the loss but the death of a child puts stress on the marriage like nothing else can.  It does not matter how strong your marriage is before hand, the two will struggle to get through.

(It looks like this was written around end of October)

I have been working at Walmart now for the past 2 months.  When asked, “Is it what you expected?” I’m not sure if I know what to expect exactly.  I mean, I know I would be on my feet the majority of the time (I mean it is Walmart after all).  But as for what I expected, I really did not have a lot of expectations.  I know that starting off on the graveyard shift would be a drastic change since I have never worked that shift before.  . . . → Click Here To Read More: Work at Walmart]]>

(It looks like this was written around end of October)

I have been working at Walmart now for the past 2 months.  When asked, “Is it what you expected?” I’m not sure if I know what to expect exactly.  I mean, I know I would be on my feet the majority of the time (I mean it is Walmart after all).  But as for what I expected, I really did not have a lot of expectations.  I know that starting off on the graveyard shift would be a drastic change since I have never worked that shift before.  Not only a change but something my body would have to get used to as well.

Once I started working there I really enjoyed it.  I was exhausted but I truly enjoyed putting all the freight out that came in for the night.

My first two days were spent in orientation during the day.  However, on the third day I had my first graveyard shift.  Over the next couple of weeks, I did not sleep very well during the day.  I would wake up a minimum of 1 time, usually 2 to 3 times if not more.  It really sucked not getting a solid 8 hours of sleep on a daily basis.

I found out that first 3^rd shift that I could have been hired directly in as a department manager due to my experience.  So about 3 weeks in, I was interviewed for a Department Manager position.  I was really surprised when it happened because I had been told you had to be at Walmart for a minimum of 6 months before you could be promoted or even be considered for promotion.

What I found out is due to me being a hard worker and my experience, when my supervisors were asked about me they recommended me for the position.  I was offered the job that very night.  I was so happy. It feels nice to be appreciated and that other people notice you are a hard worker.  I had only been at Walmart since August 25^th and I started my new position on September 27^th.

As for expectations of my new position, again, I was not really sure.  I knew I would be busy (or at least I expected I would be) but I was not really too sure what the job was going to entail.

I was becoming the Department Manager for Lingerie and Accessories (or as they like to call it Intimates and apparel).  What I did know from what I was told and what I know about myself is that this department was going to be right up my alley.  As my hubby likes to say about me, I am an anally organized type of person.  I guess that type of personality is what is needed.  Zoning, which means getting everything put where it belongs and in the proper order, is something I actually enjoy as I get to put everything in is proper place.  My job would entail a lot of this.

Overall, it is a good job, just a tad bit exhausting.  And just think, I started this right before Christmas season.  I wonder how that will truly be.