I sit here thinking about Mari.  I think I always think about her just sometimes more than others.  But right now I am really missing her.

I was talking to my dad a couple of days ago.  His cell decided to call me out of the blue.  When I answered all you could . . . → Click Here To Read More: Sitting here thinking…]]>

I sit here thinking about Mari.  I think I always think about her just sometimes more than others.  But right now I am really missing her.

I was talking to my dad a couple of days ago.  His cell decided to call me out of the blue.  When I answered all you could hear in the background was rustling around.  So you knew right then that he did not call and the cell phone had a mind of its own.

So I called him back just in case.  He said that he must of accidently pushed the speed dial button for my number without knowing it.

So we started to talk.  To be honest, he and I don’t really talk all that often.  I never really knew him as a kid and only as an adult when I was about 23 did I start to even talk to him.  We talk now 2 or 3 times a year to basically catch up and see how each other is doing.

On this call it was basically much of the same.  Then I started to talk about how I don’t like talking on the phone like I used to before what happened with Mari.  He told me that it only took about 6 months after her death before he started to feel like everything was going back to normal in his life.  So I explained to him that that is to be expected.  He was the grandfather and not the parent.  He only saw Mari 3 or 4 times in her entire life time.  Yes, he loved her as she was his granddaughter but the connection was just not the same.  Where as I, I was the mom.  I was with her almost every single day of her life.  She was half of my everything.  And now two years have come and gone and I still miss her so much.

I guess by the time I was done explaining it he understood where I was coming from.

Even now when I think about it, it is hard to believe that it has already been two years.

The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally).  We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in the hospital when . . . → Click Here To Read More: Tangible Things]]>

The only thing tangible left are pictures (and a couple of videos) taken of Mari from the time she was born until the day she died (literally).  We have them of her while she was in the hospital when she was first born and we have them of her in the hospital when she was dying.  It’s almost like it represents the cycle of life everyone goes through.  We all are born and we all must die someday when our time is up on this earth.  But with Mari, her time just seemed so short.

It seems like that today most people have at least one computer at home if not more than one depending on how many people live in the house (Right now we have three only because I still have my old laptop after we bought my new one in January of this year).  Some of the great features of a computer are the ability for each individual person to be able to customize just about everything to his or her liking.  Even if there is only computer with multiple users, each user can have his or her own login account and customize their own space to make it their own.  Well, I love to get in and customize everything on my computer and typically one of the very first things I do is to change the background picture.

Before Mari, I can’t even remember what type of background picture I would choose (I mean, that was over 10 years ago )  It seems like, for the most part, that once she was born the background picture has always been of Mari.  Even now, when she has been gone for almost two years, with my new computer one of the first things I did was to change the background picture to pictures of Mari.  It is a slideshow that changes pictures of her every 10 minutes.  I see a new picture in the background all the time.

Sometimes when I look at one, it just makes me happy and puts a smile on my face.  Other times it just makes me sad and sometimes I even start to cry as I miss her so much.  Today when I turned on my computer and I saw the picture of Mari, something just struck me that the only thing tangible that I have left of Mari herself are these pictures and the couple of videos I happened to take while she was alive.

It’s interesting to me how something like a picture can both make you happy yet sad at that same time.  It amazes me how she is even gone in the first place and not in a good way but in a sad, unbelievable way.  I guess the bottom line is that the pictures we have of her are like the memories we have inside: they both are bitter sweet in the end.  You’re glad you have them so you can remember but at the same time they cause a pain in your heart for how much you truly miss your little angel. 

So, in the end, I guess you could say that I am simply grateful that I have them.  I will always know that they will bring me happiness while bringing me sadness at the same time but I would not trade any of them for anything in the world.  Thank you Mari for always being you and teaching so many others what it truly means to love unconditionally.

Today is the start of a new day.  It’s a day I have not had to do in many years (eight, almost nine, years to be precise).  It’s a day I have not been ready for before now.  In the past it would have been a day I dreaded but now I am . . . → Click Here To Read More: The Start of a New Day]]>

Today is the start of a new day.  It’s a day I have not had to do in many years (eight, almost nine, years to be precise).  It’s a day I have not been ready for before now.  In the past it would have been a day I dreaded but now I am really looking forward to it.  It’s a day where I take the first step, of what I am sure are going to be many, in getting a job on post (Fort Knox).

Before Mari died, as most of you know by now I was a stay at home mom taking caring of our one and only child.  She had severe autism which made it almost impossible to get a job outside the home as daycares will not take autistic children (or at least that was my experience).  So my only job in life was to be a stay at home mom taking care of our beautiful daughter and being a housewife taking care of our home.  I loved doing this and would have never changed it for anything in the world.  My life was my family and my family was my life.  It’s a beautiful thing.

Then in what seemed like a split second, my life was turned upside down (along with many others) when she suddenly got sick and just two weeks later passed away (to read what happened, click here: Her Hospital Story).  What am I supposed to do with myself now?  My entire life centered around this one little girl who was the pride and joy of my life.  Getting a job is now completely foreign to me as I have not held one outside the home since January 2002.  I was laid off in a second set of layoffs due to September 11^th.  I think that day has impacted every person in some way or another.

So it has almost been nine years since I last held a job outside the home.  Until now, I was not ready for it.  I mean, it’s kind of like a catch 22.  If you tell your potential new boss that you have recently had a child pass away, they probably won’t hire you because they will think you might not be stable enough or too emotional.  If you don’t tell him/her and you have a bad day, now you can’t tell him/her why as you were not honest with him/her to begin with.  Besides, if I am being totally honest with myself, I just don’t think I was emotionally or mentally ready to.

I decided to go back to school instead.  I was only four classes away from obtaining my Associate’s Degree in Business/Accounting.  I have been going on and off to school since 95 due to different things that life throws in ones way.  I figured I might as well attempt to accomplish this as I was so close to finally obtaining a degree of some kind.

I ended up taking two classes in the Fall of 08 and three (one was an elective I decided to take on my own) in the Spring of 09.  I graduated last spring.  It felt so good to be able to accomplish this.  I did it with having a hard time concentrating and having my bad days (which of course are to be expected, let alone the first year after).  These are just some of the signs of grief and it feels like I went through everyone last one of them in the past two years.

In the past year I was still not ready to find a job.  I did other things instead.  I ran a business from my home starting last September until around this February time frame when Keith finally received his orders for Fort Knox, Kentucy.  What I found out during this time is that being by myself all alone at home was really not a good thing for me.  There are just too many times I ended up having bad days and feeling so incredibly lonely.

Keith and I started talking about me getting a job once we moved to Kentucky to get me out of the house as we both thought this would be a good thing for me.  This would enable me to be around other people instead of just being by myself. 

So I am finally to that point I am ready to get a job.  I know I will still have my bad days but I think I can handle them a whole lot easier now than I could have just two years ago or even one year ago.

So, let me ask you guys what you think?  I would love to hear your comments and what you have to say.  Looking forward to hearing from all of you.

Love Always,
Mommy’s Angel In Heaven

It’s always interesting to meet someone new.  You don’t know what type of person s/he is.  You don’t know what to expect from him/her.  You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations.  In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery.  Will you like this person?  . . . → Click Here To Read More: Meeting Someone New]]>

It’s always interesting to meet someone new.  You don’t know what type of person s/he is.  You don’t know what to expect from him/her.  You don’t know how s/he will react to different situations.  In a way, getting to know this new person is like solving a mystery.  Will you like this person?  Do you have the same ideals?  Do you have the same beliefs?  And the list just goes on and on.  Ultimately, curiosity kills the cat and we must find out more about this person.  Do you want to get to know this person more?  Do you want him/her to just remain an acquaintance or would you like to get to know him/her on a more personal level to possibly becoming one of your friends?  Maybe even a really close friend you know you can count on someday.  Or is this a person you want to completely steer clear of as they are not the type of person you want to hang around with or be associated with?  I don’t know about you, but in the back of mind I have all of these types of questions that I try to get answered either from the first time I meet a new person or after being around him/her a few times.

The reason I brought this up today is I met someone new yesterday in a completely unexpected way.  A woman with one of her daughters and another child knocked on our door yesterday morning.  Keith went to answer the door and there she was.  We have never met her before and so human instinct kicks in and you want to find out who this person is.  Is it someone you want to immediately shut the door on and wish you had never opened the door to begin with or is this someone you want to take a chance with and find out what they want?  Well, this lady is someone whom we wanted to find out a little bit more about.

She said she was from a local church in the area and just wanted to invite us out.  I of course overheard her talking from across the room so I immediately became intrigued.  I went over to the door and started to talk with her.

To make a long story short, she is a very nice person.  We ended up talking for about a 30 to 45 minutes right there on our front door step.  Her and I have a lot in common.  Like our belief system for example.  She was very approachable and easy to talk to.

So for some reason I decided to get one of the business cards I have made up that have a picture of Mari on it (one of her very last one’s before she got sick) and the website to Mommy’s Angel In Heaven.  Then I decided to share with her about Mari.

Normally, I can tell people about Mari and I keep my emotions in check, so to speak.  But for some reason this time, I was not able to do that.  As I was talking about Mari and how Keith and I want to find a church to go to but have not as of yet, I start to cry.

I hate it when I become emotional like this, and what seems out of the blue, especially with a complete stranger I have never met before.  I mean, what will this person think of me?  Will she think I am a complete basket case?  Wish she think I am an emotional wreck?  Who knows?  But for some reason I felt incredibly safe with this woman.  I felt I could open up to her and I need that.  Especially given that I hardly know anyone yet since we moved here.  I don’t have any friends yet.  It can be rather lonely sometimes.  So I guess I just needed someone to talk to and she felt safe as it seems like we have a lot in common.

Well, I have a feeling she thinks I am totally sane and not a basket case.  She probably understood that the loss of a child is incredible and you never really get over it.

The end result is I would like to get to know this woman better and possibly create a friendship.  It feels nice to meet someone new you want to get to know better.  So I want to send out a big “thank you” to this woman for taking a chance by knocking on our door yesterday as you just never know whom you might meet and touch in the end.

I always like to add a Guestbook to any site I make and this site is no exception. In particularly this site as I love to meet those individuals who have stopped by and taken the time to let me know.

If you have previously signed our Guestbook, I have manually entered every . . . → Click Here To Read More: Revamped our Guestbook]]>

I always like to add a Guestbook to any site I make and this site is no exception. In particularly this site as I love to meet those individuals who have stopped by and taken the time to let me know.

If you have previously signed our Guestbook, I have manually entered every entry into the new one. The date shows as of today’s date and there is no way to adjust them but they are in order of when they were posted.

I am asking everyone to please take the time to sign our Guestbook. I know most people don’t but it is a privilege I receive by being able to see who has stopped by.

So in advance, thank you for doing this for me.

As you have probably also noticed that the comments section is now closed.

Mommy’s Angel In heaven.

I love it when I can personalize my information.  I have added a new feature that I hope all of my followers will enjoy.  If you have already created a user account for our site, then you know you did not have the option of adding a profile picture.  Personally, I hate . . . → Click Here To Read More: New features added you will enjoy]]>

I love it when I can personalize my information.  I have added a new feature that I hope all of my followers will enjoy.  If you have already created a user account for our site, then you know you did not have the option of adding a profile picture.  Personally, I hate the generic pictures that site like to put beside my name and I like to personalize it to make it more like me.  In this case, that would be a picture of me so that you, my followers, actually know what I look like.

o=> If you already have an account created, then you can login and go to your preferences.  o-> Scroll down to the bottom of the page and you will now see a feature where you can upload a picture for yourself.  Please remember to make it appropriate as this site is a family friendly site.  All non-family friendly pictures will be deleted (which I am sure everyone can understand ).

 8) Another feature now added is the ability to see the Emoticons (or smilies) you would like to add in your comments.  I have been working very hard on this the last couple of days.  Trying different plugins only to find that they are not what I was looking for as they did not show the smilies or the plugin once installed made the site work incorrectly.  Perseverance worked in the end.  I have put to the side all the smilies with the code you can manually type for the smilie you want to use.  All of these are organized for easier use.

The next thing I want to mention is a decision I have decided to make.  From this point forward, everyone will need to register with our site by creating a user account in order to post a comment.  I receive way to many spam comments from people who are not a member of the site.  My sincerest hope that this will elevate some of that.  I will be able to tell who posts a comment from now on.  Hopefully better moderate what people are putting now.

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb.  Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while . . . → Click Here To Read More: Julie and Sylvia]]>

Sylvia, I want you to know how much of a dear friend you have become to me.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, you were such a help to Keith and I when we were still living in DeKalb.  Every Sunday morning you enabled us to be able to attend church service while you were taking care of our beloved angel during children’s church.  You enabled her to participate and be around other kids her own age.  You have such a gift and you were a God send as you have the speech background that could ultimately help in ways that most people couldn’t.  You understood her like most people couldn’t.  You are just such a special person and if I have never told you thank you for all you ever did with our beloved baby girl, I want you to know now how very thankful Keith and I are and will always continue to be.

Let me just say that you have been there for me in ways that most people could not as you too have lost a child and a very young one at that.  You have been there for me in my darkest hour and I appreciate you more than you could ever know or imagine.  My sincerest hope is that one day, I too, can be there for a parent whom has lost a child (even though we all wish this would never happen again but unfortunately we all know it will) in ways that he or she could have never imagined.

We unfortunately have joined a club, a very special club.  The club everyone hates and no one wants to enter.  We become members kicking and scream but no matter what we end up joining in the end.  It’s the “Parents Who’ve Lost a Child” club.  We all have an understanding that others out there simply cannot understand or truly grasp.  I mean, they try but it is impossible to truly understand until you have been through it yourself and obviously no one wants that.  So in a way it is a good thing these other people don’t understand as it just means they themselves have been saved from the heartache and despair we all feel and have felt.

It’s is weird how other people can actually relate to my writing.  I have been told that I have a way of being able to take those feelings and emotions that most people cannot or are unable to talk about or portray to others and I am able to put them down into words for other people to understand.  I can honestly say that it is so strange for me to hear. 

I have always said that I never considered myself to be a very good writer.  That is slowly but surely starting to change.  As the old adage, or old saying, goes when you hear something enough, good or bad, you start to believe it.  So I have to conclude with enough people saying it that I must write ok after all.  So thank you to all of you who have either told me this or have never said anything but you yourself believe it.

It is through friends like Sylvia and Julie that have truly helped me in ways I never thought humanly possible during these almost past two years.  We are only 14 days, exactly 2 weeks, away from where my life started to change and I had no idea it was about to.  It is a change that I have hated and will continue to hate for the rest of my life, but a change none the less.  A change that I have still not completely accepted nor will I ever fully accept it.  However, it is a change that will slowly but sure be imbedded into my mind as there is no way anyone of us could ever change it back so you have to learn to just accept the reality of what has been given to you anyway.

It is interesting to me how this had simply started out to be a reply to a comment that a very dear friend had made and now it has turned out to be so much more than that.  I was realizing as I was writing this that there is more to this reply than just a reply.  I guess when the thoughts start coming, they seem to explode now and then.  It’s weird that way for me sometimes.  It feels good in the end to get them all out there written down.  I can look back on them later and they even help me out.  It feels good to know this. 

Then as an added bonus: They seem to help other people out there as well.  I mean, I could have never imagined that way back when Mari was first in the hospital that those journal entries I was writing about while she was in the hospital and what was happening to her and her updates (see Her Hospital Story) would ultimately lead me into writing out my own feelings with the loss of Keith’s and my beloved baby girl, our beloved angel in heaven. 

I say “our” because Mari may have been mine and Keith’s daughter, however, she was and continues to be everyone else’s out there’s beloved angel in heaven watching over all of us.  She makes sure we are all ok in her own special way, Mari’s way (I mean, could you truly imagine it being any other way?).  After all, it always had to be Mari’s way here on earth.  Do you honestly think it would change up there in heaven? No way.

Back to the comments people have been leaving.  Here recently, I have received so many that have meant so much to me.  Julie wrote how she loves “reading [my] writing when [I] do these honest, real life pieces. [I’m] so down to earth and easy to relate to. The continuing story of Mari and how [Keith and I] are dealing with her being gone is really a unique and rich experience that [I am] doing an amazing job of sharing with everyone.”  It’s hard for me to truly get across how this just cut right down to my heart and meant so much.  It touched me in a way that is hard for me to put down in to words.  As I was reading her comment last night, it actually brought tears to my eyes just as Sylvia’s comment did for me this morning.    To hear how other people either feel or see my writing is such a neat experience and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So the bottom line is just Thank You.  Thank you to everyone and the words you have shared with me through your comments.  Some are short, sweet and to the point, others are long and very expressive, and then all of those in between.  Thank you for them all.

With Love,

All I can say is, “Boy what a night last night.”  Keith and I typically go to bed, what might seem for most people, rather late.  It seems like if we are starting to get ready for bed by 11 o’clock or midnight that it is an early night for us.  We both . . . → Click Here To Read More: When life throws you a curve ball (man, all I wanted was a fast one :) )]]>

All I can say is, “Boy what a night last night.”  Keith and I typically go to bed, what might seem for most people, rather late.  It seems like if we are starting to get ready for bed by 11 o’clock or midnight that it is an early night for us.  We both are such night owls as we usually are going to bed around 1 or 2 in the morning and sometimes even later.

Well, last night did not start off as a good night once we got upstairs and settling down for the night.  As it was, I was very tired.  It’s around 1am and by that point the littlest thing seems to be irritating to me.  For example, my husband setting the alarm for the time he did (we’ll leave that for another story :p).   It’s all jumbled up together now.  It was stuff that just seems stupid now (aren’t most fights this way after all :) ).

Ultimately, the conversation ended up on Mari.  It has been several months (at least 3 or 4) since we have had a real conversation about MarMar.  We just hardly talk about her anymore.  I guess that is what happens in life when you don’t have that person around you everyday like you used to.  It’s not that you forget about her, as I am sure you can imagine we don’t.  It’s just they are not here to talk about.

I ended up going down the road of talking about how I felt like I was a bad mom.  Mari’s autism was so severe and hard to deal with sometimes.  People always thought I had such great patience when they saw me with her.  I always felt my patience was on its last legs.  It was always running thin and towards the end of her life in those last couple of years it just seemed to be growing thinner and thinner.

There were times when she would do things like writing on the walls or pulling down her pants to go potty right in her bedroom instead of letting me know she needed to go to the bathroom so she could use the toilet.  In these moments, I would just needed a break like counting to ten or even just putting her in her room for a little while so I could calm down.  Sometimes I look back and wonder how I even did it.

It is hard for me to admit this but I feel sometimes like I have so much regret.  I don’t like to tell people this because immediately they will say to me that I have nothing to regret.  I was a good mom and things like that.  However, I feel like such a selfish person sometimes as all I wanted when she was alive is to have my own time ALONE without her.  I still remember the day they called me from her school asking Keith and I to come and pick her up as she had diarrhea.  All I know is I wanted that time for me and I did not want her home yet.  4^th of July weekend was coming that weekend and so she was going to be home for the next four days.  I just wanted that “me time”.  But as parents, are you supposed to have that “me time” anymore?  Isn’t it all supposed to be about your children until they can be on their own?  And in my case, Mari was never going to be on her own with her autism the way it was.

Well, guess what happens: she gets sick and dies.  I know technically that it is not my fault she is gone.  However, I feel like I brought this upon myself for ever thinking this way to begin with.  You might be thinking, “Well every parent has their moments of wanting alone time.”  I know that logically it is not really my fault but it doesn’t stop those guilty thoughts that keep creeping into my mind.  I guess the bottom line is I miss her so much.

As I sat there talking to Keith I realized that now it was the 16^th.  We are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years.  Can you believe it’s already been two years?  It dumbfounds me.  Unfortunately for me, it always seems like around this time every month I always seems to have a hard time.  In the last couple of months everything has been ok for the most part.  However, this month is different.  For one, I have been sitting here really working hard on this site and getting it better organized.  In doing this I am rereading all my writing.  It is bringing up a lot of how I have been feeling over the last couple of years and rebringing those feelings to the surface. 

As I said a moment agao, we are exactly one month away from Mari being gone for two years.  Our lives have had to continue on.  Keith and I both feel guilty for being happy with the fact at how much easier our lives are now that Mari is not here.  You have to be a parent of a severely autistic child and then to have that child pass away to truly understand where we are coming from.  We talked about it again last night how if she were still alive that she probably would have been institutionalized by now.  Keith said that it still kills him to even think about it now but we both know that she was becoming a hazard to herself and her safety was our main concern.

Unfortunately, life likes to throw you a curve ball when all you want is fast one to be thrown straight at you so you can better control the direction your life is heading.  So much for what we want as life is filled with many curve balls that we would like to avoid all together.

For those of you who know me personally already have read the story of what happened to our beloved baby girl.  Many of you have never had the opportunity to read what happened to her and how she passed away.  I have now put her story under the page heading above: “Her . . . → Click Here To Read More: New Pages Added: Her Hospital Story]]>

For those of you who know me personally already have read the story of what happened to our beloved baby girl.  Many of you have never had the opportunity to read what happened to her and how she passed away.  I have now put her story under the page heading above: “Her Hospital Story.”

This story was written while she was in the hospital.  The only day that was not written when she was alive is the last day. 

The picture to the side is of one of the very last pictures taken of her about a week before she got sick.